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what do you do in the bath?

Facebook says it’s Crystal Starr’s birthday.

I hate Crystal Starr

What kind of name is that anyway

I should probably say happy birthday.

Yeah, Imma wish her happy birthday.

Wait is she pregnant AGAIN?

How many is that, now, five?

Cheesum Cripes

You betch.

Beads, good beads of sweat going on in here.

That was a funny episode of Seinfeld,

The one where Elaine and Jerry are arguing about whether or not Jerry’s girlfriend’s boobs were real?

Which one was that?

GOOGLE: “Episode of Seinfeld where Elaine is in the steam room…”

Ah, “The Implant”, that’s right.

Damn, Julia Louis-Dreyfus is looking good here.

I wonder how old she is now?

GOOGLE: “Julia Louis-Dreyfus age”

Holy snap, 58?!

58 and looking FOINE.

Go Julia.

MESSAGE FROM TABITHA JONES:

T: “How are you doing? You came across my mind today, just wanted to make sure you’re okay?”

M: “I’m fine, thank you for checking in! You know it’s been a hard year, what with my mom passing from cancer and being in between careers…”

T: “I’m so sorry to hear. Speaking of being in between careers, has anyone ever talked to you about selling Rodan and Fields skincare…”

M: “No Tabitha, thank you, I have to go.”

INCOMING CALL: DAD

*decline*

FACEBOOK: “Crystal Starr”

I should really say happy birthday anyway.

But maybe I could leave, like, a really cryptic emoji,

Like – a passive aggressive one so that she knows I don’t mean it

Like, like, the face that is just eyes, or the one facepalm one, or just a slice of pizza

She’ll be all like “what does that mean… does she think I’m old?! Or fat?!”

Ha.

Yeah. This is great.

FACEBOOK: “Write something to Crystal Starr.”

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY CRYSTAL, GO GET IT GURRRRRLLLLLLLL!!!”

::pizza emoji::

::cake emoji::

::face with just eyes::

Yeah. That’ll get her