Dear one,

I promise that I tried. Tried to love you as you loved me, while we grieved him, the man I loved first. He was taken from both of us, first a brother, then a lover. To each he meant something different, in each other we found comfort. There are parts of you, good and true, but you will never be him, as he would have never been you. Smothering this pain is guilt, guilt for all the hurt. I wasn't ready to be alone. In you I tried to find a home and sometimes I think I did. I pretended to want all the things you did. And I hid. I hid the truth of how much I looked at you and thought of him. I hid the truth, that given a different circumstance I don't think I would have chosen you. The logic from the beginning said I wouldn't. The logic from the beginning was solid, but we didn't listen. We wanted, at least I wanted comfort, affection, connection. I didn't want to be alone in this and I was sure, sure you were the only one who'd get it.

I promise it wasn't malicious. I promise I didn't mean to use you. I promise I didn't lie when I said I loved you. I promise I'm sorry for hurting you. I also promise that I'm glad we tried, it was worth a chance. Sometimes chances don't work out. Sometimes there is only the hard way to find out. I promise I want to tell you that I'm sorry for trying at all. That this is my fault.

We know we're both better off. The logic, this time is gonna stick. We are listening. I still miss your love, your touch, but I don't miss us. Hopefully we can be friends, the way we want. I should tell you truth, how I was relieved when we split, how I reach for you out of habit, out of comfort, not out of desire, not to respark the fire. It's to be selfish for myself. It's to not be alone. I promise I won't ask for you back. In a million years, we wouldn't last, not even when I'm better, not even when I move on from your brother, not ever.

P.S. I still love you, just not how you wanted me to, not how I wanted me to.

Sincerely,

Ignorant Hope