Little things you’ll never hear.

Dear Abby,

I love you.

A lot.

you know that, actually. But I had to begin this letter somehow.

You also know I care about you

so

much.

More then I care about any other friend I have. That’s why you’re never going to hear what I’m writing now.

Truth be told, I’m not as honest with the people I love the most. That’s the first thing you’ll never know. You’ll never know how much I lie .But that’s okay. It doesn’t seem to matter now.

You’ll never know how mad I was when you’re parents flew to Thailand, just as the corona began to spread. Youll never know, because I'll never tell you. I was scared to hug you. I was afraid they got the virus there, and you got it from them. I still hugged you , though. I didn't want to hurt you. I never seemed mad when I knew your dad isn't sleeping seprately from you, even though he worked at his shop when we were all in quarantine. But I was. Actually, that's a lie. I wasn't worried. I thought this whole "Corona thing" was just a big joke. I know you did to. Because otherwise what happened -wouldn't have happened. I never told you I was so annoyed to be the last one to know. The last one to know what happened to your father. I'm still the last to know and I'm still annoyed. I wished you cared about me as much as I do for you. I never told you that from the beggining something felt odd. At least to me. I never told you I just bruahed it off. I always do. That's how I live.

I wish I could somehow prepare you then for what was going to happen.

I'm mad . I'm mad because he needed assistance breathing for 3 days before you told me.

How

dare you.

I had to hear that from my mom , going crazy that whole weekend until you finally called. And yet, I'm not mad at you, really. Im mad at the world, at god, for letting us get to this .

This- is a nightmare.

I never believed since then that he was going to get better. Never. Not really. Even when I tried it seemed blurry, and hopeless.

I never slept well since my mom told me . I wake up in the middle of the night, and I dream about possible futures.

I don't think you realize just how much I miss you. Every time I see you in my dream, I wake up, wanting to just run to you and hug you as strong as I can.

I'm always so disappointed when I realize it's just my room. Dark, lonely, and really, really Uncertain.

The day you became suddenly unclear about your dad's situation was one of the worst days of my life. And you'll never know. Because if you would call, it would've been fine.

the day later was one of the most stressful days of my life. you were gone. I was alone. Our mutual friend told me everything. Maybe you'll know that one day. I cried. That you also don't know. I cried because you're dad wouldn't wake up , I cried because the doctors were out of options. I cried, and by god, I almost lost it. You'll never know I'd trade my life for his in a heartbeat. It's more important for me that you have a father, than another friend.

I don't think he's going to make it. We can keep pretending, acting, but I've seen this all before and I don't think he's going to make it.

Abby, you'll never know I think he's going to die.

And I think it will ruin a part of you forever.

And that scares me. That scares me so much. I'm scared that like in my dreams your family will become broken ,and you׳ll become just -sad. Your not staying the same after this, for Better or for worse. But you'll never know I think that.

You'll never know I just want to stop. Stop waiting, stop praying, just wanting to skip to the ending, no matter what it is. At least then I'd be certain. At least I wouldn't be so afraid.

I'll never tell you these because I love you. And I'd never hurt you.

I think some "good lying " is okay. That's where my boundaries are set.

So I'll keep pretending, lying I'll think he'll

come back to life. I'll keep lying I believe in miracles, and that god will absolutely come and wake him back to life.

Because I know that's what you need right now.

And I won't have it any other way.