A General Feeling

Panic attacks. The uneasy feeling of having failed, when you thought you were succeeding.

There we were, in my bedroom. And I am silent. My then boyfriend is railing against me, the most upset I’ve ever seen him. I am now, to him, the most uninteresting person he knows. He is no longer attracted to me.

But what is an interesting person? His explanation eludes me. I am the most depressed person I know. Does that exempt me?

What is panic, except a general feeling?

And it keeps me awake at night, three years later.

Three years later and I am living day to day to be the most interesting person I can be. My silence suffocating me.

Being alone is a silent disease. And lack of self-awarness is what makes me afraid, and I only feel it in the darkest hours.