Suicidal Tendencies

Have you ever

looked over an edge

and felt a sort of

invisible weight

pressing down on

your frozen frame?

Every end

to a stable platform

leads my thoughts

to the unstable

emptiness

that comes from

o n e

s t e p

f o r w a r d.

Every time I look down

with h o l l o w eyes

and mystified lies

my heart beats slower

(as if it knows

I’m okay with the way

the ground sways

closer

beckoning me

to let go.)

Every time

I lean over

an edge

my mind

p l u n g e s into rivers

swimming about

in thoughts

rushing past me so fast.

(fear courses through my veins like ice).

When I stand

close

to my death

my limbs

f r e e z e over

(I can’t move, I can’t move, I can’t move).

You’d think

it was the distance

between

me and the ground

that I am afraid of.

But it isn’t the falling

I’m afraid of;

It’s the knowing

that I want to

take that one step forward

into the unstable abyss

that jolts me backwards

with heavy breaths.

“I’m just afraid of heights” I say

but really

I’m afraid of myself.