PERMANENT

it's an epiphany, of sorts

to be away from you

for so long

i have lived my whole life

moving from place to place

and now i am feeling anxious

i've been here so long,

almost three years,

and i'm feeling like a caged bird

the best thing a caged bird can do

is to think

and to talk

well, i've all ready thought,

so now i'll tell you

what is

with this sudden distance

i feel the need to run,

to run further from you

i feel the need to increase the distance

before it increases itself

i feel the need to run

and, you know, along with these feelings,

i'm also veryveryveryvery

s a d

i am sad because it feels

as though you aren't trying

nor have you tried

it feels as though you're not wanting -

you're not wanting to stick together

not through thick, and not through thin

and it makes me sad

because i don't know

anymore

i'm so busy trying to run

that i can't figure out

if i'm not wanting to, either

i don't know anymore -

it's a bit to sad up here,

and a bit to dim without you

i don't want to sound as though

i need you,

but gosh, i sure do

and

it

hurts

it hurts to need you

and be unsure of

you and i not wanting to stick

I WANTED TO BE PERMANENT

but i didn't want to be caged

I WANTED TO BE PERMANENT

i'm feeling caged

in this city, this town

and i'm not breathing

i cannot fly,

because it feels as though my

wings are clipped

I WANTED TO BE PERMANENT

do you understand?

I WANTED TO BE PERMANENT

that hollow feeling in your stomach

that sickness in your bones

the tears welling in your eyes

it may not be the same for you,

but my, oh, my, is it for me -

I WANTED TO BE PERMANENT

i wanted to be permanent,

you understand,

so why am i trying to run?

i've been running all this time,

i just happened to get

faster

I WANTED TO BE PERMANENT,

OKAY?

I JUST WANTED TO BE PERMANENT

i knew it would happen,

as it always does,

so i was running from the start

this doubt and lack of trust,

behind it all was a girl who was tired

and wanted someone to be permanent

she wanted someone who'd break through

the walls she'd built up

and she wanted them to be permanent

but that's too much to ask for,

isn't it?

it's too much to ask for someone to be permanent

i'm sorry,

as i always am,

but this time it's worse

this time i'm sorry for running

for asking for you to be permanent

when i didn't trust you in the first place

i'm sorry, i really am

hope you're doing all right,

seeing as it'd be too much to ask for forgiveness

***

it hurt, it really did. because in a time when no one wanted to risk it, i needed them the most. and it just so happened that their parents didn't want to risk it either. i began to think, as i always do, and it seemed to me that there were two options. A) they wanted to stick, to be permanent, but it's not like they could really stick in a time like this, or B) they weren't really trying all that hard to stick, and neither was i; meaning that it wasn't meant to stick in the first place, right? so what now? and i can't really tell if all this kind of thinking is because of my instinct to run, or if it's because i need people, i need them, and this whole virus thing was just going to kill me anyways by refusing to budge from it's position between me and my people. my people, being the people who'd finally understood me. the people who thought like me. who understood the words coming from my mouth. all my life, i've never really met many people who'd understood me like that. i stayed in the shadows, i stayed away, because the other people thought me weird, or unusual, or didn't understand me, or weren't on the same wavelength. and, you know, it really hurts, when you find the people who might understand you, and it doesn't feel like you'll ever be permanent. this whole virus thing, it's putting a very large shoe in my hopes for having people be permanent. it really, really, really sucks. my lack of permanency isn't doing well. i don't think i need a permanent place, but permanent people. permanent people who don't abuse me, who don't laugh at me when i'm "weird", but permanent people who just might understand me, you know? but that's too much to ask - isn't it? i just want someone to be permanent. that's all.