Trap it and Tame it

I think I'm very emotionally...resistant? stable? stagnant? I don't feel very stong emotions on a regular basis. I stay pretty resigned to my environment generally speaking. So, when my emotions are out of balance, I actually want to prolong that moment and really savor it, soak it in, and memorize what it feels like for those instances when I know I should be having a reaction but simply don't feel it. And I like to capture these moments in writing.

When someone has pissed me off, in the moment all I want to do is listen to what they're saying, witness what they're doing, and let them communicate with me what they need to communicate. I'll probably throw in some smartass comments while they're at it, but I'm really one to wait for my turn. Arguments, confrontations, talking about issues, I don't really get very emotional in the moment itself, but once I feel myself moving out of the indifferent stasis, I try to funnel it into some words.

And I can use some pretty strong ones, sure, but I throw those around like daisies on the regular. What really captures an emotional moment for me is really precise, visceral, incisive diction that just documents the intensity and the detail so well. When I get sad, I'll cry for five minutes or something but after that oh christ I'll be pen and paper for the next two hours. When I get excited or scared, I'll do the same thing, but usually in a social media post or a Snap. I think images are really useful (and comical) for those two emotions especially.

And unfortunately, I've learned to really cherish these emotional moments because all the best writing has stemmed from my journal of emotions, or whatever. Most days, I'm lukewarm and I don't write very much, and I don't write very well. It's perfectly fine for school and all that, but when I want to submit something to somewhere, or impress a writer friend, I have to reach into my archives, brush up documents from months ago, and sometimes craft the entire context around a snapshot if I want any of my talent to be on display. It's not the worst thing, but it'd be nice if I had better control over my own skills. There's just something about the unbridled, raw, emotional energy I can put into words in those moments that I can't fabricate or recreate as separate in any other moment. And when I feel something, I feel the need to trap it in words. It seems to be the only way I've come to understand them (and make use of them).