Dear Mom,

I wanted to tell you

The depths of my soul

But your reaction

Is something I could not control

So I hid this secret

Waiting for the right time

To tell you that your daughter

Is not actually fine

I was afraid to tell you

For concern of understanding

You see, this darkness within me

Is quite long-standing

It is difficult to explain

The nature of what it is

Yet, harder to describe

Why it even exists

I told you it was numbness

A lack of feeling

Yet, describing it aloud

Felt all too revealing

As I uttered my descriptions

My body reacted

Every word I spoke

Emotions rushed as if intentionally extracted

My inner critic

Cautioning my tale

Every bone in my body

Urging me to bail

A burst of emotion

Outpour into the air

I'm crying in response

To emotions I forgot were there

Uncomfortable and fatigued

But fully consumed

I tried my best

To explain this to you

You asked your questions

You saw the pain revealed

It caused you hurt

And hit me hard without my shield

I don't want to be broken

I can't bare being here

I wanted you to think I'm strong

Your changed perception my ultimate fear

You asked of the depth

All I could muster to say

Is that I have both my good

And my bad days

I'm not suicidal

This offered you some reprieve

Though the thought of hopelessness

Was hard for you to conceive

I told you I was ashamed

And I felt embarrased

To appear so distant to others

To seem so careless

I painted a picture

Of my lowest of lows

The drawn shades

Consumed by the shadows

You sat accross the room

You mostly listened

You allowed me time to explain

My souls fragile condition

I felt better in some ways

In others I did not

For all I could give you

Was a cursory snapshot

I know I owed you more

I feel this to be true

But now you ask me how I'm doing

As if waiting for an eventual breakthough

I am getting better

One step at a time

It is a lot of work

And please know, a slow steady climb