Mom Slept

I tip toe into the room, glancing backward to make sure Michael is still on the couch. He is sitting up on his knees, bouncing a little, watching me. That’s pretty good, he’s only a baby and not very much in control of himself. He listens to me more than anyone else, though, it’s been him and me since I can remember. I put my finger to my lips and he stops bouncing, looking away as his grin dissolves off of his face. I struggle to keep my face straight so he won’t see how it hurts me to melt his smile. I turn back around, easing past the foot of the bed toward the head where her dark hair floods the faded pillow case. I freeze, waiting for her to breathe. She’s still sleeping. I watch her for a moment, yearning for her to wake, before a sound from the other room tells me my brother has forgotten my carefully repeated instructions. I fly back to the other room, heart in my throat and catch him before he can open the door. This is the city, he could get hurt or lost and it would be my fault.

Mom drove to get us and brought us to her apartment for a visit. But she was tired and went to bed when we got here, apologizing and asking me to keep an eye on my brother so she could take a nap. Just a short one, she said, but she has been sleeping for hours and soon it will be time to go back.

Michael finally fell asleep on the couch. It’s quiet here inside, but outside there’s a lot of cars, and sirens and voices going back and forth. There’s a picture up on the wall above the sink, of a naked woman. You can’t really see anything because of her hair, but it is the most erotic thing I’ve ever seen and I can’t stop staring at it. I look at the clock to see that it’s almost time to wake her up to take us back. I ease my leg out from under my brother’s head and go back to the door to her bedroom.

Still sleeping, her lashes dark against the paleness of her cheeks. I step closer, breathing her in, her smell, so potent here in her room. My heart aches, heavy with regret and sorrow I know I have to hide. From her, from everyone. I need her so desperately but she can’t see it, and I can’t tell her. I stuff my feelings back inside as I watch her sleep our time away. I’m only four years old and not very much in control of myself.