Shackle of Lies

The girl stood at the edge of the window, silent tears streaming down her face, salty rivers that expressed the deep aching that filled her chest. Shackles cut into the tender skin of her wrists, awakening a constant gnawing in her pale, freckled skin. Her mind felt lighter the longer she stood there, overlooking the city, the lights blurred together like the stars that spotted the inky black sky before her, painting a scene of tenebrous night. The world seemed to sway as she began to sob, trembling she sank to her knees, still facing the world outside. There was a whole world out there for her, so why was she so stuck in this person's world even if they didn't want her to be part of it?

She fingered the edges of the white paper letting her hand trace along the creases she had created from folding and unfolding the letter repeatedly.

Such a sad way to end. She thought remorsefully, He couldn't even say it to my face.

She chuckled quietly, tucking a strand of wavy auburn hair behind her ear. He never even checked to see what I´ve been doing to improve, not that it would´ve changed his mind. If only he knew how much I've grown because of him, but once again that wouldn´t change his mind either. He doesn't care.

She sighed, I can't blame him though, in fact, I respect him. He made the best decision he could. She shook her head, not convinced by her own words. No, he gave up. He stopped trying. He refused to help me and instead left me in the dust of my own problems in hopes that I would have the inner strength to stand and change. He doesn't care.

The girl stood slowly, her hands trembling, she faced the sea of buildings, hills, and night sky before her. Closing her eyes, she gathered her thoughts. All the voices in her mind collected around a center point, a single memory.

The little girl stood abandoned again and again. Left behind repeatedly because not one soul could muster the courage to take her into their arms and help her heal from the wounds she had sustained over time.

You´re dangerous, they whisper.

Why? She asks.

Because you don't need anyone, is their reply.

“Well you´re wrong!” The girl croaked, “I do need someone, I need him.”

Words continued to plummet the girl's thoughts though, slamming into her conscience.

No one's ever going to be there for you, so why try? They challenge,

She's strong, they say.

I admire your courage, I wouldn't ever be able to survive never letting anyone in. They admonished,

Explain to me this. Why tie yourself down? Can anyone really survive without letting another soul into the darkest parts of their mind?

“Not truly,” she whispered.

The voices retreated into the darkness behind her eyelids as the girl´s consciousness awoke, like a beast she had kept stowed away in the folds of a girl she´d tucked away.

Shackled….

Trapped….

Destroying….

Opportunity….

More….

Change….

New….

Need- Her thoughts snagged on this word as it surfaced though, her eyes flung open suddenly revealing knowing brown eyes.

“I need...” She began out loud, “I need to change.” She decided firmly, “I need to stop wasting my life saying things to protect myself. I need to stop hiding and running. I need to stop bending to others. I need to see myself for who I really am, I´m not that helpless girl in need of attention. I need to change.” She smiled confidently as she lifted her bound hands to eye level,

“And most of all, I need to free myself from cage I have placed myself in.” Searching the tiny room for the key she had long since hidden, she reached to unlock the cuffs at her wrists, but memories protruded her mind.

She saw a younger version of herself in her mind's eye, a girl who had seen war and now stood lost as a hopelessly attractive boy smiled at her. His hazel eyes gleamed in intrigue as she told him all about herself, she had been hesitant to speak at first but now found herself spewing things out whether or not they were true; whatever would keep that look in his eyes. He inquired about where she was from and this lead them down a path to her past, every time she guided them back to more recent events in her life he always asked about her past. It fascinated him and that's when realization lit in the younger girl´s eyes.

She watched as it ignited and consumed the youthful eyes of the girl, crawling cleverly through her thoughts. He was just like everyone else. All those people who only paid her heed because she was a victim, mistreated, neglected, and abandoned. A poor soul to be loved, but only because she appeared to lack that love.

She watched as time passed and that girl switched tactics, something she had abandoned in her later childhood, but that was now proving to be effective. She became dependent on the extra attention it solicited from the boy as they spent more time together, addicted even to the effects it had. She was like a starving, needy animal finally being fed. She saw no other way around it, she was stuck doing what she was doing. A fly in a web, with no knowledge of what was going to happen next. She had the boy on a hook of lies because, in her mind, it was the only way to keep him as a friend.

If he found out who she really was, without all of the embellishments and warping he would grow bored. Leaving her like everyone else in her life had, abandoned on the road they had once walked together. It was better to be pitied than for him to see the flawed, uninteresting individual that she was deep down.

The girl shook these memories out of her mind in disgust, I really believed that. But there are other ways to gain the love of someone and lying isn't how you do it. Relationships are built on trust and willingness to change…

Glancing down at the rusted key in her slender fingers she finally unlocked the chains that connected her wrists; the metal clanging heavily on the wooden floor, the sound echoing inside her head. Rubbing her sore wrists her smile only grew, she felt renewed, strong even. Turning back to the window she channelled that burning, passionate energy into the night.

“Lies will not hold me captive! I am new, I am me, and I am different from you.” She pictured the boy she loved in her mind, the very boy who now held his back to her. She imagined what she would have done if their situations had been reversed.

“If I meant anything to you, you wouldn't have stopped fighting. That's the difference between you and I.” Another tear slipped past her dark lashes, falling over her cheek and clinging precariously to her chin. She watched as it fell to her feet, then looking up in indignation, she exclaimed to the nightsky. “I will never stop fighting for you!”

With that she sucked in a deep breath that filled her chest and closed the window. Allowing herself one last glance at the stars, she closed the curtains. Leaving herself in the darkness of her small room.