Most Needed Vacation Ever

Early in the morning, (12:45am), sitting on the ridiculously comfortable recliner in the den of some of my closest friends’ house in Kansas. Said my temporary goodbyes to California last week, but I’ll be back to bring in the new year. Every day that I’ve been here, I feel the stress and anxiety dripping off of me. Every day that I’m away from the things that call upon my time and energy I feel rejuvenated. I haven’t been this relaxed in years.

Looking back at my emotional state two weeks ago is startling. It was scary how close to the edge I was, how totally defeated I felt. The lingering pain is still there, but it’s not the knock-down, devastating wreck that it was. Maybe it’s true that time heals all wounds. But I feel more open than I have in years as well. More vulnerable, but in a good way. More willing to make connections. Maybe it’s true that there’s a silver lining to everything as well.

I’ve been a very closed off person for a long time. Years of perceived failure, coupled with a crippling fear of rejection left me a hopeful guy with impenetrable walls. But in mere weeks she tore down those walls like they were cheap plaster. Took the scabs I willingly placed over every inch of my heart and ripped them off. She burrowed her way into my very psyche, and destroyed nearly every barrier I had ever put up to stop that precise thing from happening.

In the wake of coming to terms with the fact that another relationship didn’t work out, I didn’t see at first the gift she had left me. That even as she stole away a piece of me that I didn’t know I had left to give, instead of feeling hopeless, I actually feel hopeful. Hopeful for the future. She showed me that life without these walls is hard. It’s harsh, and it hurts, and a lot of things that didn’t seem painful before, are painful now. But at the same time a lot of things I didn’t let myself feel, I’m letting myself feel now.

It’s scary to contemplate the idea of being so open. But once down, I can’t find it in me to try rebuilding those walls. Maybe it’s true that those who wear their heart on their sleeves get burned more easily than those who don’t. I don’t know. What I do know is that life looks brighter and more appealing with these walls down. Things don’t seem as dark as they did before. It feels like even though things will hurt more readily, I’m stronger than I was before her.

It feels like 2016 is going to be a good year.