Post High School Graduation Letter

Dear Dumbass from 10 years ago,

You will not graduate in all black. You will not major in music. You will not get your first phone until you are the wallball champion. You will not love beef forever and ever. You will not learn how to study. You will not use your summers wisely.

You will graduate with high honors. You will help expand a major in which you will basically become famous enough. You will buy your own cell phones and realize glass screen protectors are supreme. You will learn to eat potatoes and broccoli. You will be a talented procrastinator. You will sacrifice your summers because I'm not giving you a choice.

The day will come when you speak English perfectly. You will control your accent, and learn mimicry. You will know how to spell all the ei and ie words. You will have a signature that strongly resembles that of a randomly selected responsible parent or a guardian. You will reread the dictionary twice because you forgot what the word "deadpan" meant.

You will grow up with technology but not the slightest interest in using it. You will take notes by hand because formatting is a formality for other people. You will disdainfully do math in pencil from a recycling bin blue Pentel Twist Erase 0.5 hoping your teacher would trust you to do geometry in ink. You will have a red 0.7 just for show. You will exclusively write with Pilot G2, Uniball Vision Elite, Pilot Precise v5, and dollar store gel pens given that all of them are 1.0 thick or .7 at the very minimum.

You will fill notebooks of bullshit and you'll become obsessed with index cards. You'll take six sexy years of math and it will be extremely worth it (except for integrated 2). You will understand that some people are more evil when they are dumber. You will master the art of the ponytail.

You will become a killer. You will become a bully. You will become a chef. You will become your truest self.

You will be tasked by people who do not understand your world to: adapt to Common Core (business preparation), reverse climate change damage (methane and Costco water bottles), understand statistics (n/a), have a social life, and 31 other impossible tasks.

I am at number 26 on the list: >Relax