About happiness

i told myself i wasnt good enough nor will ever be. that i could never achieve my dreams.

and when i said out loud that i hated my life, everything stood still. i watched the dust freeze in the air. and i saw my reflection in the black screen of the tv. how a hollow feeling felt in my stomach and rummaged up through my chest. how i felt my throat tighten. how empty i felt. how hurt i felt when i realized that my friends werent actually my friends anymore. how detached i was from them but how much i clung on. how embarrased i felt. how lonely and hopeless i felt. my friend had gotten a boyfriend and didnt tell me, thats when i knew we werent close anymore. neither did she answer my texts. but how narrow and reality-distant my definition or idea of a friend was. i was lost. lonely. hopeless for the future. i began analyzing every aspect of my life and especially how i couldnt engage in romantic settings with a guy and how uncomfortable i felt when it occured. especially with strangers. how scared i was of men. how i couldnt picture myself being intimate with someone but wanting it so bad at the same time. nothing made sense.

five minutes later and im sitting at the dinner table with my family and pretending i didnt just fall into a deep, dark hole. going on as if i didnt just tell myself that i hate my life and how much i thought about how bad i have it. forcing the negativity to the back of my head, plastering on a happy smile. continuing the evening and cozying up later by myself, forgetting what happened earlier, but knowing they’ll return another day if not tomorrow. fake happiness. but truth is i cant remember a time where i didnt struggle. is happiness even fucking real? because it sure seems like i fucking cant have it! not truly. not purely. not lasting. so fuck this! i’ll force myself having cozy, happy moments by myself because i cant ever fucking be in a permant state of happiness.

my jaw was rock-hard, sore and hurt. but it couldnt beat the feeling of being wrong, lonely, not good enough, abandoned, left out, hopeless, genuinely unhappy through and through. it makes it hard to breathe sometimes.

(this is purely fictional, btw. just glad my life cant sue for plagiarism... jk jk. but on a serious note, most people, including me, experience some, if not all of these thoughts and i just like to put them down on paper because it helps me. thanks for reading)