A Heinous Confession

"Is- is this thing on? 

....

Eh, I’ll assume it is. Hey everyone! Welcome to my channel! Since this is my first video some intros are in order. If you couldn’t tell from my skull and crossbones t-shirt, I am a super villain! And not just any ole super villain, I’m one of the best if I do say so myself haha. 

You see, I poison people. I get a real kick out of it. And I say I’m one of the best because not only have I yet to be caught, I’ve never even made it into the news! No one knows my name, which means no one is ever going to put two and two together to stop me. 

I’m unstoppable! 

See that’s the thing with all these new age villains. They’re always running around in their loudly colored costumes (yes I’m talking about all those villains who wear purple- what’s up with that? Specifically I’m lookin at you, Joker) and their done to death monologues. Those same costumes let people know they’re comin a mile away and those dumb monologues give the hero the perfect amount of time to ruin the fun! 

That’s why I stick to casual wear, the clearance stuff at Hot Topic that lets people know you mean business but also makes onlookers uncomfortable to look at for too long.

That’s my niche. 

Instead of long monologues, I’m gonna try out this YouTube thing instead. That way no one can stop me mid-action, but I can still bestow my genius into an audience.  

I don’t even have a name! Ha! That’s how they get ya! Of course I have like, a normal, stupid name, but I don’t have an official villain name because that’s how you literally make a name for yourself. But I stay low, so low I’m sure most of you watching have not even heard of me. 

So yeah, back to what I specialize in. I poison people, as I mentioned, and I do so with the worst stuff known to man.

That’s right. Asparagus. I put the stuff in countless things that have no business having asparagus snuck into them, and hardly anyone ever seems to notice!! It’s insane. 

You know that God-awful smell that your pee has once you eat even a fingernail’s worth of asparagus? Yeah, that’s all me. I won’t get into the nitty gritty of how I did it but lemme say, it wasn’t easy. 

And for anyone who’s about to comment and say that asparagus (yes, all asparagus) isn’t poisonous cause they eat it by the boatload and have yet to die, let me save you your energy. 

It’s a very, very slow working poison. That’s why I haven’t been caught yet! Did you know it takes asbestos related lung cancers 15+ years to develop, and this is only when exposed to the stuff practically everyday? It’s similar logic here- it’s gonna take a while. 

In the meantime, your pee is giving you all types of warnings that you’re being slowly poisoned, yet the overwhelming majority of you just shrug it off like it’s natural. 

Idiots. 

I can proudly say that I am directly responsible for many ’natural deaths' that have yet to be proven as asparagus-induced, but it’s better that way, to keep my work out of the press and all. 

You’re probably thinking- aren’t I now exposing my dastardly deeds, and won’t I meet the swift hammer of justice in due time? Well, to that I say HA. If you’re watching this it’s cause I’m either already dead or on my death bed, so not only did you find out you’re slowly being poisoned by a vegetable you probably thought was true neutral, but now you’re listening to the voice of a dead person. How creepy is that? Ugh, sometimes I’m just so evil I can’t even handle myself!! 

But yeah- oh. Oh, hold on one second. 

What are you doing in here? I told you mommy was busy.... oh c’mere you. 

....

Hey everyone, here’s mommy’s darling little angel! Say hi to the camera sweetie. 

Or don’t. That’s fine too, mommy knows you’re shy. 

This interruption brings me to my next point. Any good villain worth their stuff has a mortal enemy, and here’s mine!! I wasn’t going to introduce you all to my little pumpkin until at least the third video, but someone has other plans, yes we did, yes we did. 

My sweetie may look innocent, but they're the one person I’ve encountered who has not fallen victim to my poison! I hid asparagus in breads, cakes, smoothies, you name it-yet each and every time my little munchkin takes one whiff and refuses to even touch the stuff! 

My little genius will be my undoing, but how cute is that? Poetic too. 

Well, that’s all for now everyone! Not to name names, but someone is in desperate need of a diaper change. It’s been real, it’s been fun, and it’s been real fun! 

Now, how do I turn it-"