band-aids

So the other day I dropped a first aid kit at work, and while I was cleaning up my mess, I had a thought: "This will probably be the most band-aids I have ever held in my hand at one time in my life." For some reason, that thought was more prominent in my mind than the fact that I'd just accidentally emptied the contents of the store's ENTIRE first aid kit all over the floor of the breakroom, I'm talking hundreds of band-aids in various sizes scattered across the room, some of which laid flush against the floor so I had to use my fingernails to pick them up which made my hands dirty, it was an interesting time in my human existence. There was an initial anger, I was way too busy to be on my hands and knees picking band-aids off this greasy, dust covered linoleum tile but soon I was off in la-la land, mindlessly hunting for bandaids, forming messy piles next to me and not thinking about it.

What if there was some kind of cosmic ledger that kept track of a person's life statistics, a huge book that listed the exact amount of times a person did a thing. That moment would probably be the highest listing of the number of bandaids held, at least up until this point. It makes me wonder how often I break my own records. I wonder what the saltiest french fry I've ever eaten was, or the most tired I've ever been, or what the nicest thing I've ever done was. I wonder how many times I've thought about my mom, and if that number is on par with the times I've thought about Dad, or my brother, or my dogs. I wonder who is the person I think about the most, and the least. I wonder how many miles I've driven, how many times I've introduced myself to someone, how many hours of my life I've spent watching Seinfeld.

When was the first time I realized who I really was?

Or the last time I questioned it?

How many people do I really know?

I feel like people could learn a lot about themselves if they had their lives available to themselves this way. Having a record of everything means that we can find patterns and possibly even predict the future. If each individual thought and behavior a person does holds significance (which is something that I believed very recently) then this would be the most valuable tool known to humanistic psychology.

But I'm starting to think that that kind of idea is super counterproductive to what life (in my current opinion) is. Why are we so obsessed with the consistency of our behavior? We do not allow for our opinions and values to change, even minute to minute.

I dunno, maybe none of this makes sense, I'm just kind of writing with no direction here.

I guess what i'm saying is that I don't think that there are very many things that matter that aren't happening right NOW. Down to the second. like now

and now

and now

you get the point. Why spend time agonizing over a decision when you could just make it, come what may. Why worry about things you might've done, decisions you could have made, things that might happen to you when RIGHT NOW you're alive, breathing, and conscious.

I dunno, this feels and sounds naive, and very young and I'm having a hard time putting my recent experience into words, but it is lovely. I feel free in a way that I couldn't have considered before, I feel... awake.

Of course all that could change tomorrow; but right now, I feel like a human being who is experiencing a memory of holding a lot of band-aids and thought that it meant something significant to him.

I hope each person that reads this can take time to just breathe and experience their moment alive. No need to listen to thoughts, no need to be burdened by personality, just alive and hopefully thriving.

I have love for you all, and I appreciate the outlet and community that exists here on Prose.