Her smile; a goodbye.

I watched her from across the class, she was standing with her two best friends: Lily and Holly. They were chatting, laughing, smiling.

She had the most beautiful smile, a smile that gave me shivers, goose bumps. A smile that made me smile.

She was popular, social. I wasn’t. I was a ‘nerd’, seen as weird. But she didn’t, she accepted me; that was her true beauty. The beauty that others overlooked as they only looked at the outside, her outside.

They didn’t care to look deeper, to see the truest beauty: her acceptance of anyone.

It made me feel accepted, welcome... it made me feel normal.

As I thought about it, I felt guilty for her, because from her outside, people would make a decision, a judgement.

They would see a confident, beautiful girl.

Some would see her as a threat, so they would gossip and avoid her.

Some would see her as a pretty face and solely a pretty face, nothing else.

The guys would see her as their future girlfriend.

The rest would see her as a good person to be around because of her fame, because of her looks.

They would label her: 'she is this', 'she is that'.

Anything but: 'she is a person, an amazing person. A likable person who is beautiful, talented and amazing. The love of my life.'

Thinking about this made me feel sick, nauseated. Can't we just accept people for who and what they are? Stop fitting them with stereotypes, stop labelling them?

As I sat there, in my seat, thinking of this, of her. I remembered the good days, the days when we were together. When we were friends, when we were more than friends. I smiled at those thoughts, those memories. We would hold hands; we would hold each other. We were there for one another, when we would catch each other looking from across the room.

But then a dark cloud came over us and we fought. We were screaming, yelling. Cursing each other and, well, I cursed myself.

We just had this tension, this feeling that we weren't enough for each other. We had this constant fear that the other would abandon us, for someone better.

And, well, this tension, we felt it. It then became enough, and we broke up a few days ago, and now I sit here, alone, and she stands there with her friends.

I knew it was over after the fight, because a day after, she looked at me but it wasn't the same look. Her gaze was empty, hollow. No longer loving, no longer smiling at me.

This hurt, a lot. But I blamed myself. I could've been someone else, someone better for her, but did I? No.

I could have been her perfect someone.

I never change.

Another guy approaches her group.

She smiles and walks up to him. Her smile made me stiffen.

I understood it; the smile said it all. It was saying goodbye. Good bye to me. To us.

''Hey,'' he says, holding her hands.

''Hi.'' She replies.

''Goodbye,'' I replied, quietly to her smile.

Please, take care of her.

I beg of you. Be what I couldn't be, what I never will be.

6.6.2020