Exposed

There is an elephant inside of me.

Graydon Carter, the journalist, said that elephants bear the finest human traits: empathy, self-awareness and social intelligence. But the way they are treated is reprehensible.

There must be an elephant inside of me.

Memory like an elephant, they say. Mine is abysmally accurate. Unconsciously, I remember all the slights. I've catalogued them while wanting to let them go. Do you remember when you excluded me? You moved me away, put me where I'd have the least contact, hoping that I'd wither. Do you remember when you sabotaged my opportunity? You persuaded me to do the wrong thing. For three years that followed, I suffered silently, until the toll began to manifest physically in my body. I developed an ulcer. I grew thin. I berated myself for my own stupidity in listening to you. I don't want to remember it that way. But that's the way it happened. No whitewashing this memory, try as I might. Do you remember when you blamed me for something you did in front of the group? You held the position of power. You knew I couldn't respond. And I didn't. And like the elephant, I knew that there was something in you some feeling, some weak trait of human behavior that you couldn't shed that was making you do it. And I felt sorry for you. A little.

A waste of my time to try to figure out why, I'm smart enough to know that, at least. The elephant inside me lumbered along, because that's what I've done/what I do/push on/mind my business/act like it never happened/try to erase it.

Revenge fantasy?

I'm living it.

Do you think that the others don't see you for what you are? Do you think that because you close your eyes to it, all are blind? Do you think that your shallow slights aren't seen by the group? I'll let you in on a secret. When you pulled that trick of trying to fault me, blame me, humiliate me, they knew. His eyes met mine as I opened my mouth and closed it again. You didn't see that part, did you? And you didn't count on me, but that sabotage act that caused my ulcer backfired, didn't it? It makes me chuckle now. People said to me, "you look like that cat that ate the canary."

I wanted to tell them that I was. That's right, I executed an Axel Paulsen edge jump with no training whatsoever. It must have been those words you asked me to say to the others. They saw with unclouded eyes. Mmmm, that canary was delicious, though!

I try to keep it low key.

I like to think I have enough social intelligence and awareness to know that being smug is not becoming.

I'm not afraid of you.

Do you want to know what I see inside of you? It's an earthworm.

No spine.

No brain.

Clings to the earth. Eats dirt, shits dirt, becomes dirt.

I see you, worm.