Drowning Without Water

You're all alone, scrolling through Instagram on your couch at 2 in the morning, and all of a sudden the thoughts start to surface.

Those little insecurities, telling you that you aren't good enough.

That no one cares.

That the people around you would not notice if you were gone.

You try to push them out, but they batter insistently at your skull, trying to get in, trying to make you break.

The scissors sit oh so tantalizingly on the countertop, just give in it will all go away soon, but you can't because you promised yourself you would never do that again.

1.5 years clean, you can't throw that all away.

But the thoughts hammer harder and harder, you can breathe, you're drowning.

But the one thing that can finally give you a breath of air is off-limits.

That silver-clad blade that gives and takes life all at the same time, is something you long so incessantly for, something you can't breathe without, but you can't allow yourself to breathe, because if you do, you will lose yourself in the freedom breathing gives you.

So you sit,

And turn up the music much louder than you probably should,

And try to ignore the thoughts trying to shatter your self-worth and identity.

But ignoring it never works.

You keep drowning.

The feeling might go away for a while, but it will always come back with a vengeance.

You are dying.

Choking.

Suffocating.

You are drowning without water.

And there is nothing you can do about it.

And never will be.