Until She Let Go

I looked up from the ground and to my side, where she stood. She was staring at me with a sad, lonely expression. This made my heart crack. I shuffled a bit, folding my arms in front of my chest, then shuffled some more and stuffed my hands in the pockets of my jeans.

We stood for a bit longer in an unsettling and heart wrenching silence, until she spoke.

''So...'' she murmured, quietly, glancing to her right to lock eyes with me. I stared deeply into her eyes and realized that she looked tired. ''I guess I should go?''

My stomach flipped when she said this and, instinctively, my left arm stretched out towards her. She cocked her head in question and I just smiled with a shrug. I waved my hand a bit, insisting that she must put her hand there. When she did, I held it, clasping her hand in mine.

For a moment, we just stood there, hand in hand, not saying a word, not even looking at one another.

She shuffled again and I knew why; she wanted to go.

Leave,

Scatter,

Run off.

I dropped my head, then gripped her hand tighter and tighter and for a second, I thought she tightened her grip on mine, too.

Maybe she'll stay, and not leave me.

But I sighed, when I felt her loosen her grip and let go. It felt like water filling my lungs and entire being.

And as she turned, and walked away slowly and solemnly, the water all rushed out as if it has been building up inside of myself, the tsunami of waves and pain and exhaustion just rushed out, making me feel hollow and empty.

What now?

What next?

I turn, too, and watch her walking. I thought she'd turn and run back, but she didn't.

I thought of running after her, calling her name, but I didn't.

This is what she wanted,

What she thought was best.

I have to respect it, I guess.

...

18.6.2020