MONKEY GONE: Have you seen my pet monkey?

Early this morning, my pet monkey, Alabaster, went outside to get my mail and never returned. He was wearing a bright green vest, black Converse footwear, and a double-handled mesh backpack. Alabaster plays guitar quite well and responds to the name “Alabaster”.

He is rarely a threat, but does not like music by Fall Out Boy. I like Fall Out Boy well enough, but he much prefers the sounds of Blink-182. He once signed to me that Fall Out Boy was bad because they have weird names for their songs, then he ate an entire bag of Fritos and fell asleep for seventeen hours.

While there is no reward for the return of Alabaster, if this wide-faced monkey is brought safely back to me, I will give you a handful of coupons to IHOP and schedule you for a free 2-hour supervised visit with Alabaster on the morning of April 25th, 2023.

And if you’re reading this Alabaster, I want my damn mail.