cow fields

Look. I never wanted to hear from her. I mean me.

This old lady comes up to me at the bar and I thought she looked sweet until I realized she was scowling.

She thrust a letter into my hand and hobbles off. I’m still partly convinced she was just insane. The only weird thing is, the letter was.. personal. For instance, I never advertise my relationships on social media or tell many people. But the letter went:

“Hi.

Don’t let Steve read this. This is my 34th attempt so I’m getting a bit blasé about this whole letter writing thing. Time travel exists. I’m you. On to business, we don’t have much time.

Dump Steve. He’s a washed-up toxic rag ball and you know it.

Stop eating grilled cheeses from Raoul’s. This’ll be in the newspapers in a few years but he’s involved in a sex trafficking thing. Yes, that is why the food is so cheap.

Don’t tell anyone, things go very badly for you whenever you do.

I should also mention. Ever since the discovery of time travel, you’ve ended up dying in a cowfield. Which means *I* die. Honestly, it might be a glitch in the system.

Before you ask, I’ve tried everything. From no letters to a phonecall to dinner together. I’ve tried not telling you about Steve, but then Steve took you to the Alps. You guys ran into a bunch of cows with bells and an angry cheesemaker.

I’ve tried letting you tell Steve about the future but he freaks out and either breaks up with you, leading you to take long walks in dairy farm countryside, or convinces you into going on a relaxing retreat—where they make their own yoghurt by fields full of cows.

Once, you stripped and ran into a cow field screaming 'Freedom'.

The first time I told you about the cow field, you lasted about a year before you found some cows and ran around them screaming I’m not scared. Please, never do that again.

The only thing I can think to tell you is to avoid cow fields at all costs. Tell people you have a phobia of cows and then don’t let ANY fit guy or girl convince you to go on a mountain holiday. They won’t “take care” of you. It won’t “be fine”. You’re not “being silly”.

PLEASE please take this to heart. And dump Steve. Not because he’s dangerous. I’ve just got to know him thirty-four times and he’s even more annoying now than he was the twenty-seventh.

Good luck and take care. Our life depends on it.

alienor”

So now I don’t know what to do. I really like the sound of the relaxing retreat thing, though.