i dunno, stuff

I dunno, nothing simple enough comes to mind during a conversation with the world. Yet there are a million of things to talk about- feelings, politics, society, or climate change- just waiting to come out from the back of my head. I guess stuff like how I fear the future, yet I can’t wait for it to swallow me. I’ll let it come to me like a bullet travelling the speed of light, hit me before the blink of an eye. The anticipation would be calmingly unwavering. Or like the incoming mother’s embrace after we both sobbed our eyes out on my bed during a school night when I was 11 years old. This happened after I expressed to her the dream I wished upon myself to unburden the people who knew me.

It was the first night I learned that my own death wouldn’t be the misery of me, and it was the first time my mother shed tears in front of me. It’s not very comforting to think that everything one does in this world affects one another (even despite being strangers), doesn’t it?

Everybody is self centered, so to think of this life as a story wouldn’t fit. Who are we to call ourselves the main character, the side character or even the antagonist when we’re all three at once? And who are we to assume what other people think of us, when all they’re thinking about is how we think of them? Advices like these always sound useless from other people. Isn’t it funny how people with the most messed up lives give the best advice sometimes?

In one universe I am exactly where I wish to be, whilst in other numerous universes, the events unfold in mysterious ways. Anyway, dreams are always redeveloping to match the present situation. For example, I dream to be happy when I’m sad. And even then I dream to be happier when I’m apparently not happy enough. However, my biggest concern is, in exactly which universe am I smiling in - if nowhere despite being where I always wanted to be? Even so, why do I laugh when I cry and cry when I laugh? Life makes no sense at all.

To say the least, life is a misadventure of itself. I look to the movie Thelma and Louise for comfort. The duo twists in the necessary directions to escape oppression everywhere it finds them, to live and die with no in-betweens. When nothing went their way, they made the choice that would end any future choices being blown up anyway. Did they really lose in the end? Is life a game of win or lose, then? What if nobody won because everybody else thought they lost?

So now what? What could I talk about? Feelings, politics, society, or climate change? Where/how could I even start in a conversation with the world when nothing is simple enough to talk about?