another gold-leaf frame over my actions or lack thereof

after the wind sweeping the water from my hair; after crying many-anight to the moon: after three months of swearing I will and failing 180 times; after writing in blood-red ink and then burning in it all in a fire; after making a million excuses; after staying in four gross motels in a variety of gross places; after listening to “This Time” from Cabaret on four different occasions; after making three playlists, twenty mantras, and more than a few diary entries; after rewriting a hundred romances of old with just my imagination; after doodling lovely faces, arms, and smiles all over my notes; after failing three more heart-stabbing conversations; after living another spin around the sun; after wondering mind and pondering heart; after justifying and justifying again, framing another gold-leaved frame; after changing an outfit again; after talking so much, my mouth burns; after a heart beating so fast it almost overheats; after creating too many Pinterest boards: after checking too many horoscopes; after breathing in a deep, deep fear of regret; after seeing too many sands on the other side; after too many shoulder-shaking moments; after quite a few friends saying calm down: after all this, I will.