Letter

Dear younger me,

I know you'll never read this because you're now gone, a fading memory in the back of my mind. But I wish I could find a way to make you read this.

A lot has happened in our life. Sometimes, I think, we grew up too fast, but I don't regret it. Maybe we moved out too soon?

We regret a lot of things. Such as saying yes when we didn't understand, being afraid. I'm sorry all that happened to us. I'm sorry we're traumatized. I wish it'd never happened.

They say trauma makes you stronger... We didn't need to be stronger. We needed to be safe. We were just a child. Small. Innocent. Afraid. And now, we pay the price.

At 10 years old we began self harming, tearing the skin out the inside our mouth and picking scabs so much that it left scars. We starting starving ourself at 11, even though we were already skinny. 14, we were cutting and planning our death, daring God to prove he was real.

We've been through Hell and back. A place we should never have been.

I still remember the metallic taste of blood as it'd fill our mouth after we tore the skin off the inside of our cheeks. I don't think I'll ever forget.

We've got a boyfriend now. He's sweet. He knows our past as well as we do. He forgives us for being afraid and saying yes, at least I think he does. I wonder, if he'll notice the scars decorating my body, showing the seething hatred we hold for ourself.

If I could make you read this. I'd make sure you know not to starve yourself. I'd make sure you know to never harm yourself. I'd make sure that when daddy asked that question when we were 11, you would know to say no and to find a trustworthy adult to tell them about it. But I can't. No matter how much I wish I could, I can't. And I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry we live with this burden. I'm sorry our boyfriend knows and shares our burdens.

But... I'm learning, we're learning, to love ourself. Slowly. But we're learning.

To the past me, I love you. I love you. I love you. I know it's too late to say this for you to know, but maybe future us will know this and will love both of us and herself. And maybe she'll be able to show her kids this letter and teach them about everything so they never struggle with the same burdens.

Love,

Your older self in the present