Friends, I wish I could tell you some happy news, but once again I found myself tangling with the minions of the devil.

This morning I was driving the car that I had just liberated from a vampire. He could have just flown, I don't see why he insisted on tempting fate and calling attention to himself in a sporty 1997 Dodge Neon outside of the antique shop.

But one thing was for sure, that goddamn vamp was gonna get his wooden chest sooner than expected.

After ridding the world of one more pathetic vampire, I thought it would be a shame to let such a fine automobile go to waste, especially since my shopping cart had lost one of it's wheels in a valiant struggle against a Frankenstein.

Imagine how many cans I could fit in this new mighty steed, and I would finally have something to use all of my gasoline for, other than the cheeky nip every now and again.

Yessir, this would do just fine. But first I needed to clean all of the vampire juice out of the seats, cup holders, and floorboards.

In my haste, I foolishly brought it to the closest car washery I could find, which ended up putting me face to face with another of the devil's most actionable advocate, a goddamn witch!

I turned the steering wheel into the parking lot, as you do, and pulled up to the attendant.

"Just the interior, pardner"

"Sure, leave it here and we'll get to it in a moment"

I left it there and went inside to wait.

After what seemed like an eternity of me staring at the side of the gal's face next to me, a woman came into the waiting room and asked to speak with me.

Now friend, I don't have to tell you how to spot a witch, you just know. Their long nose, pointed chin and telltale hat is usually all you need.

But sometimes these witches get clever and change their hat to a baseball cap, or even a cowboy hat. I don't know who the hell they think they are fooling, but I can see RIGHT through it!

This goddamn broomstick pilot had the guts to come up to me and ask ME why my car was full of blood.

Well sir, I don't have to tell you that I don't take kindly to that kind of accusation coming from a cauldron cooker.

She mentioned that she noticed the picture on the dashboard of two men in tuxedos and asked if one of them was the source of the blood.

Figures, that vamp I dispatched must have been sinning against his every chance he got.

"They are my friends"

The words left a foul taste in my mouth. Imagine being friends with a coupla gay vamps.

KEEP IT ABOVE THE SHOULDER, DRAC!

Still, I could tell that this eye of newt needer was not gonna let it go.

"Let me see what you mean"

And with that, I followed her out to the car.

"See? It's just absolutely full of blood. I think I might have to report th..."

Not today you fucking spell casting siren.

In a flash, I pulled out my witch killing hammer and put an end to this long nosed demon.

I quickly put her in the passenger seat and sped away.

Hahaha now I've got an even bigger problem!

Isn't that always the way?

Oh boy, those pigeons I shout at are gonna get a kick outta this one.

I drove the neon for a little bit longer with my new passenger before deciding that I should dump it.

I can't be explaining to the police the finer details of recognizing a witch, and besides, I was looking forward to a nice glass of gasoline and coke when I got home.