Handsome & The Hag
Once upon a chair sat a studious little lady.
On her lap lay A Theophrastic Study of Natural Phenomena, a book arguably above her reading level yet evidently well loved. The pages had earmarks and stains from steady use. Key words and passages had been underlined for later study in an assortment of bright wax colors. Plant samples, still gritty with dirt, lay smashed between the pages adding a soft, moldy scent to the tome. As the sunlight streamed down, illuminating the page and the girl with a soft glow, her tutor sat opposite thinking what a lovely portrait his student would make. Then he scowled.
“That is not your assigned reading.”
“No. It’s interesting.” She scowled back.
“You were supposed to read The Tales of Gilead. See, it has pictures too.” He held up a copy of an old beginner reader, the illustrations done in the traditional abbey style with bright, flat depictions of nobles in various poses. “Why look, here is your several-greats grandfather, the first Baron Ramses!”
Abigail scowled at her fat ancestor and skinny tutor in turn. “That book is boring.” She made a gagging face, then held up her own book and pointed to a detailed sketch of a yarrow root. “Look, Abernathy, this plant helps stop bleeding and infec-shon. Isn’t that more interesting?”
“Do you know what an ‘infection’ is?”
“Cook said it’s when your skin gets sick, turns colors, and smells.” She folded her arms smugly.
“Yes, leave it to Cook to describe disease and decay.” He muttered. “You should let her worry about dinner and stick to your own studies.” Shoving his worn glasses back up on the bridge of his narrow nose, the young tutor cleared his throat and continued to lecture from his seat in front of her. “The Tales of Gilead tells the history of the men who built our kingdom through years of military conquest and service to the king. Those battles established our current monarchy, along with the title your father and his forefathers have held for generations. Understanding your family’s inheritance might give you a better appreciation for the title your brother will one day hold.”
Abigail shot a critical look down at her little brother Philip, who lay flopped on his stomach scribbling stick figure soldiers into his own blank notebook. As the soldiers fought an indiscernible monster with five or eight legs on the other page, he let out a soft “Bang! Bang!”
She gave Abernathy a skeptical look.
Sighing, Abernathy tried another tack. “One day you may want to know where our allies and enemies come from.”
“Why?”
“Because as a lady you’ll deal with visitors from many different places.” Until your father marries you off and you become another family’s problem. He kept this thought to himself as the small girl ignored him and started arguing with her brother over his abuse of the color green. “Wouldn’t you like to know where the other children who visit here come from?”
“Children are stupid.” She sat back in her seat with a huff, triumphantly clutching the small stub of crayon she had wrestled away from her brother. Undeterred, he took up the brown crayon and carved a muddy path ahead for his men instead.
“Yes, they are.” Abernathy agreed with an eye roll. “But you don’t want to be a stupid child, do you? All the other children will have read this book. Won’t you seem silly if you don’t know what they’re talking about?”
“I don’t care what they think!” She yelled with a scowl.
Philip, seeing her dismay, apologetically offered up his brown crayon. With a faint smile she accepted it and handed him a hidden stub of orange from her pocket. His eyes lit up, followed by his battle scene as scribbled flames leapt across it.
Abernathy watched their exchange and considered.
“What about Philip? He’ll have to learn this one day too.”
“So?”
“Do you really think he’ll understand this as well as you do?” Abernathy pointed as her little brother began blowing on his page, fanning his illustrated fire with his imaginative breath. “How will he manage without his older sister’s help?”
Abby considered critically for a moment. “Well, he’s not a total idiot.”
“Hey! Where did you learn that phrase?”
“That’s what Cook always says about you.”
“Alright, clearly you spend far too much time in the kitchen.” Abernathy lifted her book out of her hands as his pupil protested. “If you spent the same amount of time studying you would have already finished your assignment.”
Abigail sank back in her chair. “But I like books I can use,” she protested.
Abernathy had to smile. He had been a little bookworm himself once. Had she fallen for silly romance novels or fairy tales it might have, quite literally, been a different story. Leaning forward he relented, “Okay how about this: we’ll read The Tales of Gilead together. Each time someone gets into trouble, we’ll look up which plant could have helped them from your book. How does that sound?”
Brightening, she nodded and hopped over to his lap as he held the book open for both of them. “You read the boring parts, I’ll read my plants.” Any book sounded better when Abernathy read it aloud. His rich voice made the characters come to life while adding dramatic flair to their otherwise dull adventures.
“Alright then, here we go.” He cleared his throat again and adjusted his glasses for the third time. Speaking from the bottom of his gullet, in his most epic narrator voice, he began, “King Gilead, Son of King Thelin, had to wrest control of his kingdom from the hands of his ambitious younger brother, Prince Edward, who had hired an army of mercenaries to help him take over the throne.”
“Nightshade!” his little lady cried out, flipping through pages of her book.
“What??”
“It’s a poison,” she explained and pointed as she found the picture in her guide. “To stop the bad brother.”
Philip, with a boyish curiosity inspired by deadly things, craned his neck up and insisted his sister show him the picture of the dangerous plant. As she proudly displayed the picture he began copying it to add onto his monster’s back.
Abernathy frowned. Maybe he underestimated how well his little lady grasped politics after all.
Title: Handsome & The Hag
Genre: Fiction / Fantasy / Humor / Romance
Age Range: Young to Not-so-Young Adult
Word Count: 64,000
Author Name: T. W. Wordsmith (pen name)
How My Project Fits: It takes a quirky, human approach to a traditional-style fairy tale - much like many of your projects illuminate the human side of extraordinary tales, fact or fiction.
The Hook: Lady Abigail must set aside her prejudices to join forces with the men in her life in order to save herself from a fate worth than death - forced matrimony.
Synopsis: The cold-hearted lady Abigail, who would love nothing more than to die a happy spinster, continually rejects every suitor her father Baron Ramses drags to their estate. Until a mysterious guest transforms Abigail into a wretched, ugly hag - and her brother Captain Philip into a pig fit for slaughter. He gives her only seven days to accept his proposal of marriage before he leaves them unrecognizable forever. With nothing but her wits and determination, Abigail must rely on the handsome veteran Beau and her loyal childhood tutor Abernathy to find a way to reverse the magic before their time is up. As they face thieves, thugs, and librarians, Abigail’s stubborn hatred for men gradually lessens against the kindness of her friends, and the realization that the only one not recognizing her true inner beauty is herself.
Target Audience: Romantic comedy fans of all ages
Bio: I have spent the past decade working soul-crushing office jobs while scribbling daydreams on the side. When not reading whatever I can get my hands on I’m playing with my spouse, walking with our dog, or herding cats.
Platform: Not chosen
Education: A very useless Bachelor of Arts in Nothing Helpful Whatsoever
Experience: I have no professional writing experience to speak of - I just write for fun.
Personality / Writing Style: I enjoy humor wherever I can, both on and off page. I try to avoid cliches / common tropes, or to twist them about when I can for fun effect. I am pro-LGBTQ+ and not afraid to include characters of the same in my work. As a recovering workaholic with a stress addiction I tend to rewrite a lot, hence my stories take awhile for me to forge into what I deem a suitable final version. This particular project has a completed rough draft, however I am still tinkering on it and debating whether it’s worth continuing. Regardless of interest, any feedback is greatly appreciated.
Likes/Hobbies: Carbs I shouldn’t eat, books, comic books, cartoons, board games, video games, tabletop RPG games, and any other geeky endeavors I may have forgotten to list here.
Hometown: Excellent question - I’m not sure if I claim one yet
Age: Slightly less than halfway dead