A Few Jokes that Only History Lovers Might Get

In 1529, the Ottomans had just been pushed back from Rome and Hungary, and Charles V said: “Now that’s what I call magnificent!”

Not funny? Ok, how about this one:

Two Russian peasants are in Petersburg. One says to the other, “at first, I wasn’t sure about Peter the Great, but I can dig this!”

On that note, when Peter the Great came along, I was like: “and you thought Ivan IV was terrible.”

No laughs? Come on, these are hilarious!

Right, so, what about Otto Von Bismarck? Keeping it real since the 1800s, right?

And the “Communist Manifesto,” now THAT made good marks!

No one laughing yet? Jeez, the laugh distribution here is like the Treaty of Tordesillas, where I am Spain and the rest of you are Portugal.

How about King Louis XVI, huh? Well, to the French revolutionaries, you get what you paid for, or not.

Now, I’ve not been one to ‘indulge’ the Catholic Church of the 1500s, but would anyone like to give me money to gaze upon the bones of some thousand year old peasant who wasn’t even holy?

Ok, that last one was pretty bad. Here’s a better one.

You know, I think that the real misfortune is that James II of Austria went away.

Oh, and what’s with Austria during the Crimean War? If I were to do a trust fall with Austria, I would catch them, and then instead of catching me, they would just leave the room and never come back.

At least it’s better than having King Philip II as your father. It’s like: your mother gets married to him, and then when she dies and you take the throne, Philip goes, “time to declare war on you.” Talk about family troubles.

“Yeah, Dad,” said Queen Elizabeth I. “I never went to Church like you asked, and look how well I am.” Ah, Spanish Armada.

You ever notice how, no matter what France does to improve its nation, Britain is always better? That’s because they draw the line at roses, and France has a lot of roses.

Ok, that one was also pretty bad. But come on! Some of these are hilarious!

Ok, ok, back to Karl Marks. He apparently said: “I don’t start revolutions very often, but when I do, I do it with class.”

And talk about the Industrial Revolution: great times. Everyday is bring your child to work day.

Oh, and what about Gustavus Adolphus? In his prime he was riding thirty and leading an army.

Ok, that one was pretty good. Anyone laughing yet? No? Oh. I feel more distraught than Rasputin’s assassinators. Huh, huh.