did I....?

we leave the building, only then the doubt creeps. i hate myself for wondering and there is NO time to check. I will keep it to myself through thr taxi ride, through the train station. I will not say a word of my doubt to you. but you'll know. it's hard to hide worries. I read somewhere that even black holes can't hold all the stuff they have in forever. and while I eat and stuff myself like a vortex, i am far weaker.

you will see it in moody breakfasts, in too much coffee. in sleepless naps. I will have no fun. I will feel no joy. the photos will be a mask. a fake of how I should have been.

and the doubt ? it will grow as we return. and secretly, I will hope to stay away. like I used to drag my feet going to the doctor to getva shot. but I know i can't aviid this. I anticipate the fire raging, the asphyxiating horror. but in the end I didn't forget to turn off the gas.