Gone

Sometimes, I am happy, genuinely happy. Happy where I laugh. Like last night. I was facetiming my boyfrined before I had to go eat. And I don't eeven know what was so funny but we only facetimed for 5 minutes before I had to go and I laughed the entire time. And I don't know why. I'm laughing just thinking about it now. Every time I'd start to calm down and go to look at him, I'd laugh again. My stomach was hurting and I had tears in my eyes and I couldn't breathe. My lungs felt as though I'd filled them with lit matches and yet the feeling was pleasant.

Sometimes I'm mad, like furious and ready to throw things. I wasn't taught paitience, I was taught that when I'm seeing red it's okay to throw things and hit others... After all, my parents did it to me, so isn't it okay? Despite being taught that I haven't hit someone out of anger (other than as a young child) and the last time I threw something at someone was a few months ago after my brother called me a liar when I had said I was awake reading. I was furious that morning. Before that time I hadn't thrown something out of anger since I was 12 and got mad at my parents. That time I went to my room to "clean" and shut the door, turned on music really loud and threw stuff at the walls and cussed. But I have been known to get snappy easily when I'm mad... Something I try not to do because it's not fair to others. I was taught my father's temper and I hate it. I want no association with my father.

I walk around holding pain, clutching it to my chest. Knowing I should throw it down but I don't want to... It'd a friend turned foe, but she's the one who's been there when everyone has left. She follows like a lost puppy. I know I need to let her go but I can't. If I let go, will my writing mean something? If I let go, will it cease to be an escape? If I let go, what do I have left when everyone else is gone? How do I let go of pain when the very center of my pain lives with me, when the center of my pain is the one who controls nearly every aspect of my life until I can move out?

But there's hope in my mind. One day, I'll move out.... Get away from my abusers. I'll be free. And this place, will burn to ashes when I'm gone. They'll have no one to put all the responsibilities on. And when I leave, I'm not coming back. Ever. And that... that gives me hope.