To be or not to be...

All right, listen up, folks. You want to learn how to appear to be just the right amount of weird? Here’s your guide to the world of the unclinically insane.

1. When taking a walk, and you see that someone approaches, turn your head away and put your hand up to your ear. That way, they’ll think you have a Bluetooth earpiece in, and they won’t know you’re just talking to yourself. (An alternate method is to begin quoting a well-known play. That way they’ll think you’re an actor, rehearsing for a play. Actors can get away with a little more, because people assume they’re talented.)

2. When you cause a loud thump because you’ve been practicing your handstands in the dead of night, blame it on ghosts. Ghosts are fashionable at the moment, and people are more ready to believe in them when it’s dark. You will pass this off more easily if you leave a few windows cracked open and put a radio turned on low volume in one of the vents.

3. Get a job like a nurse or a mortician or a homicide detective, so that when you comment in passing that the cooler on sale in Costco would be the perfect place to stash a body, people just assume it’s something you think about due to your career.

4. Keep fire extinguishers in your house. Accidentally setting things on fire is acceptable, accidentally burning your house down is not.

5. Get some nice throw rugs and pillows. They’re very convenient for when you accidentally dye your floor pink or get blood on the furniture.

6. Know when to bring your interests up. To everything there is a season, even collections of cheap wigs and lists of names with their origin and meaning.

7. Be kind, and be confident. Kindness seasons your personality so that people can see the best parts of you, and after all, more people really should know how fascinating mad cow disease is.