Older-me

I love

getting older. 

Hate the idea of losing my looks

but

I prefer it to losing my mind. 

Because time 

Is the only way to put distance between 

small-me

sad small-me

hopeful small-me

teenaged-me

hurt teenaged-me

broken teenaged-me

bitter teenaged-me

young adult-me

ruined young adult-me 

cynical young adult-me

slutty young adult-me

selfish young adult-me

And 

right now-me. 

And right now-me just wants 

to get the fuck on with life 

and 

forget how to remember how to forget. 

I like getting older

I can say 

"That was a long time ago..."

"I used to be..."

"That's ancient history..."

"I was just a kid..."

and all these words become

more and more 

believable. 

As a defense

An explanation 

An excuse.

Finally my outsides 

are starting to catch up

My insides. 

My insides 

are old as sin

weary 

scraping along 

dragging my moorings.

Old.

Older than that one guy 

who lived 

for pretty much forever 

that I think they told me about. 

When I started to

forget everything 

though...

I didn't think it meant 

Everything-everything.

Not just the bad

scary 

stupid stuff

but the important stuff too. 

The one time I smiled for a picture

The time when I was I happy for a day

The 

Long long ago 

when something happened that made me laugh so hard I cried  

The time you actually showed up on time 

The day I didn't get in trouble for something I never even did 

The day (or month or year) when I was 

Just 

A 

Kid. 

I can't remember being 8 anymore

I've been forgetting 

that small-me 

for a long damn time.

I like getting older 

because I can say things like 

"Decades ago..."

It might be a stretch 

But

Lord knows if time is relative

Then 8 was 8,000 light years away. 

Don't remember much about 18 either

Probably for the best. 

Can't remember 21 if I tried. 

Except the lying and the nights I had 

Nowhere to go. 

Or was that 20? 

I can't remember much of 15 

I rarely think in chronological order

these days

15 is lost in the 

"pain/death/anger" file somewhere 

I think. 

There are years,

whole years

gone. Erased. 

365 times too many

evaporating like one of the

lots of kinds of smoke. 

Every second I get older

I put a second between

Right now-me

And so many things. 

That I hope 

One day 

Won't be there. 

"Can't remember"

So

I can't care.