My paradoxes.

My paradoxes fascinate me.

I find comfort in sorrow

and discomfort in daylight.

I try to make amends

and end up making

everything even worse.

More pain is my go-to

defense mechanism.

I complain of being alone

yet I push everyone away.

I resent positivity.

I condemn my memories

but my heart is latched onto them.

I dread reality so much

that I zone out of it often.

I disassociate myself

from this world,

from confronting my own feelings.

To a world where

torture is soothing

but pain doesn't exist.

Hating myself

while knowing it isn't healthy.

Thinking that I'm incapable of love

and no one will ever love me,

but deep down knowing

that I deserve pure love.

Knowing that I should take control

of my life

but letting life take control of me.

I loathe trends

but lowkey being jealous

of happiness

of people involved in trends.

That I want to stand apart,

not among the herd,

but envying companionship

of the ones in the herd, that they're not alone.

Commitment without the future.

Most fascinating paradoxes

are my greatest fears.

My greatest fears

are the things that are inevitable.

Heartbreak.

Pain.

Loneliness.

Loss.

Life.

But a prick to savour it.

Interestingly,

death.

Craving death, but terrified of it at the same time.

And yes.

Change.

Constant change.