Magic words

Can we say cunt here?

I need a word

any word 

to shock you 

the way the bottom of my heart 

fell out

when it happened. 

All I have left of you now 

Is words

Your flowery 

Politically correct 

Diplomatic

Proper

Advanced

Elaborate fucking words. 

Words that declared that we were now "us"

Words we would say at the exact same time but by accident 

Words we made up that nobody else knew

We had:

Scrabble winning words

Silly words

Happy making up for missed childhood words

vulgar words

We even had:

words for dark fucking secrets I will never ever tell

words for the closet light you never wanted to turn off 

words for that dumb tv series we watched 

words for our selfish mothers (lots of words for them) 

words for whatever god just put us here and then LEFT.  (Remember the night when we decided he left?)

So can I say cunt here? 

You cunt. 

You left me

in a panic

desperate to talk to you

with no more words! 

No words for the smell of the emergency room 

No words for how long it took to get your blood off my skin

No words for feeling like I could cry myself to death 

No words for screaming until my throat bled

No words for finding your other other "in case of emergency" stash 

No words to lie to the police (yet they believed me)

No words for the sound of your voice when you knew I was giving up on you 

No words for the look in your eyes when you gave up on yourself

No words to declare I was giving up

No words in the whole goddamn motherfucking bullshit language to describe 

leaving you

leaving you in that dark apartment 

leaving you in that hospital bed

leaving you defeated and spent and fucked up and alone

No words to explain why 

why I still can't think about you or

why your name catches in my throat or

why YOU DID THIS TO ME AND TO YOURSELF AND TO US or

why you took all (all of it!) of it at once or

why I would never be enough to fix it or

why I hung up that day or 

why I kept hanging up or

why I loved you so much I threw up on the stairs or 

why I still wake up in the middle of the night sobbing or

why we ever met in the first place or

why I still love love love you or 

why why why 

You left me without adequate words 

to say what I really wanted

something like:

I'm still with you (somewhere, somehow)

I can still feel you 

everywhere in my mind 

in my blood

in my brain 

in my bed

in my stomach

in my dreams

in my head when you get a headache

in my throat

in my nightmares 

in my heart 

in my, me. 

I love you forever

you cunt! Thanks a lot.