It hurts. (25.08.20)

It still hurts

to know that you’re not

here.

It does.

Even though you’re happy now.

It hurts

to think

back to that day.

It used to be filled with happy memories

lots of smiles

the sound of laughter.

Now you’re gone.

And I wish I could keep

making happy memories,

keep smiling,

or maybe even laugh.

But I can’t.

Its a d

o

w

n

h

i

l

l

s

l

o

p

e.

A

f

r

e

e

f

a

l

l.

I can’t get up.

I just can’t.

People still think i’m the same person.

I’m not.

I can’t.

I scream.

and scream.

(not aloud at least.)

it’s painful.

it hurts.

but

i hate myself

for being so weak

when you were

so strong.

I want to be like you.

You were strong,

you bore the pain.

Everyday.

So why can’t I?

Just why?

Why am I left

to die

to drown

to dive deeper

into the darkness of my mind.

Why can’t I pick myself up,

and tell myself,

nothing I do will get you back.

And I need to start living

like you are there.

Because you wouldn’t

want to see me in this state.

You would wrap you arms around me

like you always did

in a warm embrace.

You would tell me to

make new memories

happy memories

on my own

or remember

the old happy ones

(but they’ll tainted with sadness and grief)

I’m trying to be strong

for you

and

everyone else.

but I can’t seem to be strong,

for me.