The dress Rehearsal

Guess what I was doing when I was twenty? Writing thank you cards for my wedding. I kid you not. I got married three weeks shy of my 20th birthday in 1976. And guess why? I was the last one in my group of friends to get married and I had FOMO before FOMO was a thing.

My father had offered to pay full tuition for me to go to any college of my choice and instead of taking him up on his offer, I chose to take a full time job with the post office. The pay at the time was better than a teacher’s salary, and I had NO idea what I wanted to do with my life so I took the easy route into adulthood, so I thought.

The guy I married was my high school sweetheart, or should I say, my last high school sweetheart because there were many. He was a good choice. He was funny, he was kind, he loved me, he made me feel safe and he really was my best friend, but I remember feeling like I was a guest at my own wedding instead of a bride. I kept looking around the room wondering what the hell was going on out in the world while I was walking around in a long white dress with a fake smile plastered on my face hugging people and shaking hands.

FOMO did not end for me with the wedding. I had never thought about being a mother and then after all my close friends had kids; yup, I had to have one. Nevertheless, at 23 years old, the experience with my first born was magical! A gift like no other. The magic was somewhat lost on my second and third child (not because I didn’t love them every bit as much), because I did not have the time as a full time working mom to feel the magic.

What would I tell my twenty year old self? Slow down. Get to know who you are and what you want to do with your life. Go through a personal healing process before getting into a committed relationship otherwise you will be responding to conflict and strife as a wounded child instead of a secure adult in your marriage. Unfortunately, my marriage to my first husband did not last.

Eventually I did finish college. I put myself through college while working full time as a single mother while my two eldest children were in college. My father came to my graduation and presented me with a beautiful gold bracelet as a gift. He probably wished more than I did that I had taken him up on his offer way back when.

But I can’t go back. I can only go forward and my lesson most learned after living most of my life as if it was a dress rehearsal for an unwritten play, whatever your destiny, live your life to the fullest, in the present moment. Smell the roses….

And find love. True love. Love of self first, and then someone to share your best self with, when the time is right and not before.