Midnight maths and philosophy

I do polynomial long division at 11pm. And I get the right answers again and again. Because I know the steps, I know the code, I know what invisible highlighter lines join each number and I know whether to multiply or divide. I just don’t know

Why.

I stare at the steps I’ve done the lines of n and try to work out... I’m dividing this to give me this so I’m subtracting these to... I don’t know. I cannot make these random steps line up in my head. Why. Why. Why.

I realise I am living life like a school child who shouldn’t be taking a level maths trying to prove herself at 11pm. That is to say. I live life like I do maths. I know the steps and I say the right things write the right numbers... But really I’m a sub par child trying to be an adult, trying to feel like a child, trying to prove to the world and to herself that ‘I got the right answer so I’m Okay’.

But it seems prolific that instead of laying down my pen besides my maths book and sleeping, I am writing speculative philosophy about equations and life.