Void
I buckle my seat belt as the rocket rumbles around me, a living machine emitting beeps and groans. My friend Arlo calls out to me as I press buttons and flip switches, preparing for the most important moment of my life. I respond to his commands, as I work to get the ship ready for its mission.
You never really get used to the chaos of the ship, or at least that’s what our Caption Culver says. No matter how much you train and prepare, no matter how controlled you think everything is, nothing is certain, and anything can happen. I thought I was used to the uncertainty, that I had pushed the fear of the unknown away, but I can feel it lurking in the back of my mind, huddled with the pain that I’ve shoved into the darkest and deepest corners of my mind.
I push away the fear. There’s no point of being scared now. It’s too late to back down. I take a deep breath, or do the best I can with the constricting suit I have on, and settle into the seat as I hear the countdown begin. This is what I’ve been waiting for. I’ve trained too hard to leave now. Let’s do this.
Bracing myself for the force of the liftoff, I push my arms into the seat and press my back against the hard cushion. I grit my teeth as the rocket begins to rumble and shake, gathering speed before it flies up like the cap off a bottle of pop. I feel myself get heavy as the gravity doubles, and I struggle to breathe even with the suit feeding me air.
The ship begins to glow orange and heat up as we exit the Earth’s atmosphere, and the noise seems to grow tenfold. Buzzing, shaking, rattling, thumping, it feels as if I’m inside a volcano that’s about to erupt. The noise only grows louder as the pressure increases, and I struggle to keep my eyes open and stay conscious. Nothing in the training prepared me for the fear I feel at this moment. I feel the walls of my skull push inwards, struggling to protect my fragile brain from the pressure outside, and I struggle to keep my breakfast down. Holding my breath, I pray that this will be over soon.
Just when I start to think this’ll never end, the rumbling stops, and the ship steadies. “The N150 has safely entered orbit. Congratulations!” I hear in my ear as I slowly open my eyes all the way. The first thing I see is the deep black blanket of night through the window, peppered with stars of every colour and size. The beauty of it takes my breath away, and I can’t help but gasp in awe. “It’s beautiful isn’t it?” asks Culver, the captain of the ship. It takes me a while to reply, and even then I don’t want to break the moment of peace, so I simply nod in response.
Surprisingly, it isn’t as quiet as I thought it would be, and I still hear the whoosh of the air conditioning and the beeps of the machines in the ship stabilizing the gravity. But after the deafening storm of noise of the launch, this is as good as absolute silence. “Feel any different? The pain … ebbing away?” Arlo asks. I close my eyes and wait for the darkness inside to subside, to dissolve into the peace and quiet of this new world, something I haven’t been able to find since … her death. But I can still sense it there, writhing and shaking in the back of my head as it creeps towards the front of my brain, where I’ll be forced to face it. The pain gains strength as it grows closer and closer, spreading its numerous limbs as it grips my thoughts, taking over my consciousness, forcing me to -
“Hey Mallory, are you ok?” Arlo asks as he shakes my shoulders, bringing me back to the present. “You were just sitting there with your eyes closed for so long. What happened?”
I look up to see the worry in his eyes, his forehead wrinkled in concern. “It didn’t work. I … I thought it would. The peace and quiet was supposed to make it go away! Why is it still here?” I ask frantically.
“Hey, hey, calm down. It’s gonna be ok. You know what, why don’t you take a break alone? Hook yourself up and take a stroll outside the ship. The beauty of space can heal any wound, when experienced firsthand,” Culver reasons.
“You’re right,” I reply, feeling my heart calm down. “You always know just what to say”.
“Are you sure Mallory? I mean you’ve never been alone since .... you know” Arlo asks gently.
“I need some time to think this over. To come to terms with what happened. I need to … find inner peace. Besides, you’ll be able to pull me in if anything happens,” I reassure him with a weak smile.
Walking over to the closet, I pull out my suit and step into it, Arlo helping me get my arms in. I pick up the heavy helmet and put it on my head, twisting it to secure it to my suit. I connect the thick metal cord to my suit, and Arlo checks it twice before preparing to open the door. Inside the suit, the silence envelopes me.
I look out into the endless void of darkness scattered with light, and feel the pain from before grip my heart and mind, threatening to take control. It seems to have a brain of its own as it slithers into every crack and crevice in me, looking for weaknesses and taking hold of them with everything it has. I struggle to fight it off as it crawls around inside me, like a thousand spiders weaving a web strong enough to keep me from escaping. I struggle to break free from the net it has me entangled in, but struggling only makes it worse.
I watch as memories of Arabella pass before my eyes, memories I’ve been trying to push away because with them comes guilt and regret. Guilt that it was her instead of me. Regret that I didn’t spend more time with her. Regret that I couldn’t save her. I could do nothing but watch as the life was sucked out of her happy-go-lucky self. As she struggled to smile through her pain. As her cheerful eyes lost their shine, gradually growing dark until they were black empty voids.
Just like the space in front of me.
Mommy, why are you so sad? You don’t look as nice with those wrinkles on your forehead. I miss your smile. Will you smile for me?
I gasp inwardly as I hear Arabella’s voice for the first time in years. “Is it, really you?” I call out to her.
“Mommy, I’m so happy you got to do what you’ve always wanted. You were always so excited to go to space, and now you finally get to do it!”
“Arabella, I-I’m so sorry. No matter what I tried I couldn’t save you. I need you to come back! I can’t live without you!”
“Mommy, you know I can’t come back. You have to let go.”
“I can’t Arabella! You’re my life, my everything! If I let go, I’ll forget about you! I’ll never be able to live with myself if I forgot you, even for a second!”
“Mommy, I didn’t tell you to forget about me. I told you to let go of the pain, but to hold on to the memories. Hold on to the love. You have to tell yourself the truth. I’m not coming back, mommy. I know that . You know that. But you have to accept it. Come to terms with it. Then let it go.”
“You’re so wise, my dear Arabella. Hold on to the memories. Let go of the pain. I’ve never thought about it that way. I always thought the pain was attached to the memories, and that if you got rid of one, you had to get rid of both. But I guess, the real memories I want to remember are different from the ones causing me pain. I guess, I have to let go.”
“That’s right Mommy. Just accept it, and let go. I believe in you. Come on, I’ll do it with you. On the count of three. One. Two. Three.”
I take a deep breath and let go of all my pain. All these years all I’ve done is hold on, but today that changes. I feel the darkness dissolve and fade away, leaving nothing behind but my love for her. My daughter. My beautiful daughter, Arabella.
“Are you ready to take the leap into space Mallory?” asks Arlo in my ear, his voice jarring me back to reality.
“I’m ready,” I say, both to Arlo and myself.
I smile, for real this time. This is for you, Arabella.
I let go, feeling the peace of the universe comfort me. The fear of being part of something so much bigger than me still bothers me a little, but I know the thick metal cord will keep me connected to the ship and the ones who love me, just as the warm memories of Arabella will keep me connected to her.
Finally, I’ve found the peace I’ve been looking for all my life. Guess all I had to do was let go.