Weight Loss

I’m going to start off by saying religion provides something different for everyone. Some folks who are really struggling, it provides hope, comfort, community. Some folks who need a bit of moral guidance in their otherwise sociopathic pursuit of life and liberty, hopefully it provides that (enough).

To those folks - rock on.

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We left our church when I was 12 years old. My parents sat me down and had a very long, heartfelt conversation about their decision and why they had come to it; it had mostly been my mother's decision, although it was also her decision to join in the first place. She explained how she couldn't wrap her head around some of the scripture, or embrace some of the values that ran counter to her heart. She said she'd questioned and asked so many priests and other church-goers, trying to seek answers, and this was the one she had come to - the church wasn't what she believed in anymore.

It's really difficult to describe the tumble setting of emotional laundry I went through at this time, especially as it's been awhile now. If I could capture the essence of it though it felt like dropping a huge weight off my shoulders and standing suddenly free. Like stepping out of darkness and into light. Like dropping the mask of a play actor and descending from a stage into reality, all the fake lines and roles you had to enact no longer constraining you from stepping into the person you really were. I felt like flying on cloud nine for the first week.

That was the first week. Then the "programming" kicked in.

Again - if religion floats your boat, rock on. I am not here to tell you to give it up; if anything, the next bit explains why you shouldn't just suddenly rip belief systems up like tissue paper.

For folks though who are already seeing the rips in their seams, and maybe just need that extra support to step through, this is the sucky part - but believe me it gets better.

For weeks I started feeling like I was the devil. No lie. I started worrying that I'd been led astray, or my mother had been possessed, or that because we'd left the church somehow that meant we were now Satanists (note: this is not how it works - I was 12 though so young imaginations and all that). Everything I'd been taught to believe crashed down on me, trying to pin me back and take away that euphoric feeling I'd had when initially I'd heard I could just walk away.

My best friend wanted to stop being friends with me, because I was dirty now. A pariah. I had other friends, who didn't care, but that one hurt.

My mother also struggled, even more than me perhaps since she was older and bore the responsibility of little ones. She ended up giving in and committing herself to a mental ward for a week. She took medications for awhile, and continued going to therapy. Her therapist kindly explained she was de-programming; essentially, she was recovering from being brainwashed. She needed to give herself time and grace to reset.

My own struggle might have been minor in comparison, but having a mother who was open about her own mental health struggles made it easier to talk out what I was feeling / imagining. My parents kindly swiped away the nightmares in my head and helped ground me again.

My mother started buying books on different world religions. I'd always loved studying other countries / cultures, so this became our new fun hobby. We would talk about the similarities and common threads or themes among all the different faiths, the bits we liked and the bits that seemed maybe too much for us. Instead of going to church on Sundays we created a new ritual of taking long hikes in the woods - connecting to nature, and understanding that we could still be spiritual without having to be religious.

To this day I still feel actual trauma stepping into churches; I avoid them like a vampire. It's not that I begrudge folks their holy spaces, it's just scary to feel that suffocating darkness and weight trying to press back in on me. I can't step back into the actor's role of a good little Christian again.

I know some folks who when they questioned their faith they simply altered it to fit their new reality/beliefs - and that's awesome. I truly feel if any faith is to serve its purpose it should be a living, adaptable thing. Because I do know there are plenty of souls out there seeking help, connections, and guidance. If a faith can do better, and fill that void for them, that's amazing.

However when anyone tries to share or preach their faith to me I can only politely decline, no matter how pushy they get. I've already walked that road. It's not my path.

And if it's not your road either, I just want to share that that's okay. There are so many roads out there - relying on a single one to carry the weight of the world's souls seems a bit silly. Choose your own path.