Dad with Dementia
Dad died a few years ago, but I will never forget the struggle our family was involved in caring for him, trying to keep him out of an institution. The doctor said he had dementia. That was early in his illness. We knew before the doctor told us but needed the confirmation to carry on. We were able to care for him at home so that he wasn’t institutionalized. Our family did not want to see Dad tucked away with strangers and out of touch with his family. How were we able to do this? What kinds of problems did we encounter? What was it like, caring for an elderly person with dementia? To find the answers, read on.
Dad was in his 80s when we began to suspect he had a problem. He knew it, too. He used to talk to me about it, try to get me prepared for what was to come. I moved him from California to Pendleton, Oregon and managed to get him an apartment just two blocks from my house. It was a complex for elderly who were charged according to what they could pay. The place was ideal. Everyone there loved Dad and they loved to hear him sing. He had a good voice and knew many of the old songs. They also took care of each other. That the apartment was close to me was important, too.
Dad helped himself by going out with his walker on most days and running along behind it for a block or two before walking back to the apartments where he would feed the squirrels at the feeding station before going back inside. It was also during this time that I came across the use of turmeric for dementia patients. We started giving it to him daily and while he didn’t improve, it seemed the disease was staved off a little. I think it would have worked better if we had given him a larger dose and added a little oil or fat with some ground pepper as it is advised to do by several sites. The oil or fat helps to digest turmeric and the ground pepper holds it in the stomach longer so more of it is used. We also made sure he took his vitamins, an assortment that the doctor prescribed for him and brought him up to the house for dinners.
During this time, I was dealing with my feelings as his disease progressed. A couple of things came up from the deeps that I had not dealt with and it caused me to be angry and unappreciative of him at times. It took some time and some work to get through these feelings so I could deal with other issues that sprang up from the situation.
At this time, I was the only family member close by and it fell on me to make sure he was doing well, that his bills were paid, and he made it to the doctor when he had an appointment. I was also working full time which made it difficult. Later, my oldest daughter who was pregnant moved in with me bringing her preteen. I had just retired early to take care of Dad and now I had some help.
He was getting worse, however, and after he almost set his apartment on fire at three in the morning, we knew it was time to make some changes. We kept a conversation going among family members while I was caring for Dad alone. Now we had a meeting where we drew up a plan that included all of us doing their part. My house was stairs and more stairs, so it was not practical to move him into it. My daughter had delivered her baby by then and needed work. After much discussion it was decided she would move to the Salem area where there were opportunities and that I would take the rest of Dad’s savings and buy a house where she, the kids and Dad could live. I would sell my house and move in with them to help out. Another reason for moving was that Pendleton did not have the support resources that were available in Salem. Those resources were going to be sorely needed.
The best laid plans…Well, we got the house in Salem and moved Dad and my daughter and her kids in, but I was unable to sell my house. This left my daughter alone as the day to day caregiver while I would drive the almost 5 hours every month to take over for a few days so she and the kids could get some respite. Every late spring or early summer, I would come over for a whole week and take over for her. In addition, since Dad was a veteran, we were able to get someone to come in and clean his room, a nurse who came by weekly and a doctor’s assistant who came every month. In addition, Salem had a program where my daughter could drop her grandpa off to be cared for eight-hour period three days a week so she could go out to do any business she had. In this way we were able to keep Dad from being institutionalized. He passed away in his own bed.
Some of the changes he went through were troubling to us. He mistook both my granddaughter and her mother for his wife and tried to kiss both at various times. There was a resemblance and it confused him. He would go back to a time when he and Mom were young.
Another thing that happened was he would treat my toddler granddaughter like she was a dog when she crawled up to him and stood up to try to get into his lap. He had a friend he called Buddy who lived in the mirror in his bedroom and he was constantly trying to give him things or talk to him. Dad also woke up in the middle of the night a few times yelling about the guns going off outside his window, a little PTSD left over from WWII.
The most disgusting problem was he would go into the bathroom to have a bowel movement and use his hand as if it had toilet paper in it, but it did not. The result would be smeared all over the grab bar next to the toilet, the walls, floor, and sink. We also had to lock up all medications AND all the candy and cookies. We also put child locks on all the outer doors as he got out one time and got lost. He found a way to bypass them however, so we installed an alarm system so we would know when he went out. There were other changes, too many to note here. Let us suffice it to say that there will be changes in your loved one’s personality that might surprise you.
One thing that did surprise me was that in his last few days when he was confined to the bed, unable to walk, unable to talk, and not recognizing anyone, I went into his bedroom after making the drive. He sat up and said my name. We actually had a fairly lucid conversation for a few minutes then he slipped back into a state of near unconsciousness never to say another word.
The experience touched me so much that I wrote a novel that was heavily influenced by what I had gone through. One of the main characters in the book is a WWII veteran with dementia. It details the times we had when my oldest daughter, her family, and I lived together in Pendleton before we had to establish 24/7 care for Dad. It’s a great story and has won acclaim by those who have read it. You can find it and another book I wrote at www.irawhite.net. Leave any questions in the comments section and I will try to get to them as soon as possible.