“Smile”

"Smile!" they chirp, like I hadn't thought to. Like their use of the imperative will bring a sunny grin to my face. Internally, I tell them exactly what I think of them and their sentiments. I was having a good day. I was happy. But not glowingly exuberant enough for them, apparently. I tilt my head a little, ready to inform them that I just smile more quietly than some.

"Don't worry, that's just her thinking face."

My classmate is there before I have a chance to formulate a polite response, before I knew I needed her. I know her well for someone I've only known a few weeks; sometimes you meet people who instinctively understand your communication style. I shoot her what I think is a grateful look, although whether she gets the message is anybody's guess. I like to think that she feels my gratitude even if she doesn't pick up on the expression. She was fast enough to step in for me, after all. A simple sentence, saving me before I could ask. I'm sure it seemed a small enough gesture for her, but it meant a lot to me. I had gotten lost in the words, trying not to snap back about unrealistic societal pressures and false expectations of entitlement to constant exuberance rather than contentment or a biting comment about sexist expectations. Women, after all, are allowed to have bad days and bad moods too. And good moods? Shatter like glass when some pretentious busybody determines you lack exuberant joy. Forgive me for not radiating ecstatically like a bare lightbulb. I try, but even my friends take a while before they can read me. I just don't smile loudly. I put in effort, have been working hard at it for some time, but it's not that easy.

Don't you dare tell me to smile. Don't pretend that you are entitled to any sort of imput over how I emote. Communication, perhaps, if I need to change something so we understand one another more clearly, but never in a million years do you have any right to determine how I may express myself. I don't comment on your double chin, your disorganization, your habit of standing too close to read over students' shoulders. So take your pretention and transform it into compassion, if you know how. If not, keep it to yourself. It's not that simple for all of us. Everybody does the best they can, but even Einstein could recognize that everybody was good at different things. Quit trying to tell me that success is one thing, that everybody should smile the same, that even fish should be able to climb that particular tree. Forget your tree, forget your petty self-centered view of the world, forget your idea of "happy". Your happy is not my happy, your smile is not my smile, your extroversion should not be forced on me. My contentment is fulfilling, my happiness is independent from your expectations, my emotions are mine to control. And telling me otherwise, insisting I smile more? You lost my respect, entirely. I cannot respect someone who ultimately refuses to accept the fact that humans are varied, and that everyone processes and communicates and emotes differently. Your priorities are not mine, so keep them to yourself. Heaven knows you are the only one here who cares about such superficial façade. So do us both a favor. Next time you think I'm not smiling enough? Remind yourself that what my face shows is not yours to dictate. Remember that when I flatten my intonation and smooth my features so you cannot see the loathing you have stoked. Remember that when I give concise responses designed to make you leave me alone faster. Remember that when catastrophe hits and someone tells you that you have no right to get so emotional, or when someone insists your celebrations of happiness are unseemly or have no place in your current environment. Think of these things, and remember that we're all human here. It's just not that easy.