Good Morning?

“Well shi-” I suppose now is not the time for swearing, it’s the time for action! But what action does one take when they wake up half-naked with 7 people standing over them practically salivating? One groans when I open my eyes and shakes his head in disappointment.

I do believe they intend to eat me! They haven’t even taken me to dinner yet!

“Good morning?” They all glared, still standing over me with their pointy sticks and ripped clothing, but they all take one step back to my immense relief. That was not the proper action to be taken apparently.

“You said she was dead!” The man with a navy polo pokes another man wearing a surprisingly clean white shirt with his elbow as he speaks.

“Well, I apologize for being wrong this one time, Skipper!”

“You’re a professor! You’re supposed to know when someone is dead, Roy!” Skipper says his name as if it’s a taunt.

“I am a high school professor and a botanist, Skipper. And it’s Professor to you,” Skipper’s eyes blaze as Roy speaks.

“Boys, calm down! Fighting will not solve anything, we should just kill her anyway.“A pretty red-headed woman pops in, seemingly out of nowhere. Where I was before laying down enjoying the show, I pop up and speak.

“Ah you see, let’s not. I have a terrible diet, all sugar! Makes my meat rather gamy!” I ramble off all the terrible things I have eaten while they all still watch me closely.

“Well, that settles it, right? We’re not going to eat her? Caramel candy never tastes good eaten twice...” A scrawny man from my left speaks and I nod along with him, muttering a yes and smiling.

“But I’m hungry Gilligan!” The red-head speaks again, I want to strangle her.

“But we couldn’t possibly hurt a woman!” The scrawny man apparently named Gilligan pipes up again.

“Now Little Buddy, you don’t know what you’re talking about! There is no such thing as a woman on a shipwrecked island!”

“Now I never!” Both the redhead and a brunette woman I hadn’t noticed before gasp in horror.

“I am very much a woman!”

“Now Ginger he didn’t mean it that way!” Roy, the Professor pipes in. So her name is Ginger, noted.

How did I go from tapping glasses with an insanely attractive man named Javier to watching a bunch of adults argue about eating me?

“Ginger! She’s a fellow woman! How could we just casually eat her?” The brunette speaks and puts a hand on Ginger’s shoulder.

No one is watching me so I start creeping back, shifting a bit at a time, cursing my inactivity in PE during the crab walk exercises.

“Mary-Ann! We haven’t eaten anything in days! And we won’t casually eat her, we will devour her!” Ginger snaps back. My eyes go wide and my crab with a broken leg walk is a little faster than before.

There is something like a leaf beneath my hand, but it’s wiggling. I turn to look and smack eyes with a spider the size of Ginger’s hair.

With a yelp and a shimmy, I’m up and running into the jungle.

“She’s getting away” The Professor speaks.

“Food!” Ginger.

“Is that a spider?” followed by a girlish scream that must have come from-- Gilligan! Then a series of curses and the exclamation of “Gilligan!” tells me I’m off the hook so I take off like a migrating goose!

Despite the fear coursing through my veins I can’t help fantasizing The Professor’s knowledgable eyes are watching me run to safety. Goodness, just his eyes could make any girl swoon, Carolina would flip out for me and start planning the wedding, even on this wretched island!

So when none other than the devil himself (not Satan, but in fact The Professor) i instantly spring to attention.

“We must strike an accord!” He puffs out his chest and says the words with determination.

“Yes! Over there, alone, in the dark...” I trail off as a confused look crosses his face, I must have misread the situation, “e-excuse me. Yes of course, what are-what are your terms.” I hope he says something like ‘make sweet music like the crickets’, or, ‘lie together in a bed of leaves, amorously exchanging’, or even, ‘lie down and watch the stars in each other’s arms.’

But alas he does not. Instead, he says something along the lines of fighting Ginger. I was too busy wallowing in my own self-pity to hear the specifics.

“Ugh, whatever.” I snap and cross my arms with a huff.

“So, you accept the challenge?” To us throwing ourselves to the ground and having a grand ole’ time? Oh, course! Why the hell not?

But now that sharpened sticks are being brought forward, I’m slightly uncertain, I was unaware this was to the death. Ginger is circling the ring of leaves called “The Arena” like a caged bull, a very peeved off caged bull, no, a very peeved off caged Minotaur!

Goodness, how do I end up in situations such as these? Actually, the better question will be how I will get myself out of this situation!

Find out next Monday at 7:30 on another episode of “Gilligan’s Island”(CC)!