How do you title something like this?

I hate myself.

Bold statement, I know, but it’s true. Ask me to find any feature about myself that I like - and I can’t. I’m not clever, I’m not pretty, I’m not physically capable.

In other words, I’m a wreck.

I’ve thought about killing myself quite a lot. Leaving behind a note, walking out the door, drinking bleach somewhere where no one will find me. I’d rather they worried than had to see me like that.

Every breath is a painful reminder that I’m still alive. That only my unabashed optimism - and really, that’s only here because I repress every single mistake I’ve ever made (which explains why I can’t really remember much) - is keeping me alive, and it feels like someday that will wane too, and leave me like everything else.

I’m still alive now though, or alive enough to write this instead of doing my work due tomorrow morning. I know I’m going to regret this, but there are moments when you do not care.

See, I’m quite apathetic like that. I can brush off anything - the death of my pet? Nah, I’ll just continue like it didn’t happen. Poor test result? What test? Intrusive thoughts telling me to stab myself? Ah, they’ll go away eventually.

Except they don’t go away - not these intrusive thoughts anyway.

Imagine if any time you made a mistake, there was a voice on your shoulder saying Stab Yourself. With a steak knife in the hand - or plunge that chef’s knife into your chest. Take that other knife and slice open your veins, and sink the last one into your throat.

With thoughts like that everyday it’s a miracle I’m still alive.

I wouldn’t really call this a life, though.

I’m just stumbling through this existence, despising every second and shooting myself in the foot at every opportunity.

Well, I don’t despise every second, or at least not while I’m living it. The good moments are enough to suppress these ones for a while - until they come back, in double the strength.

I hate this.

One day it will end.

The morbidly curious part of me wants to know whether I will be alive or dead when that happens.