10/09: Slaughter

Damn, Phillis, I forgot how cold it could down here. I mean, maybe that’s not exactly true ... but I just really forgot what it was like down here. I’d only been somewhere snowy back when I was saving the world with Ery but it wasn’t my old home, you know? Oh right, but I did make the fur coat and boots, so I’m all comfy it’s just sometimes a cold wind sneaks in and catches me off guard. But I got this though, I’m not gonna be stopped by some snow anyways, I told you I was a warrior in my prime.

Hey Phillis, is it normal to feel guilty? No, I mean, like out of nowhere feel guilty? See, I kind of lied about not letting things to get my head ... I was only saying I didn’t so, that way, I could help myself but it’s kind of gotten worse now. I just ... I know I didn’t betray Ery again I know I didn’t do this thing of sacrificing him to another demon along with Az—I know I didn’t do it.

But did I?

Like I can’t stop feeling like everything is so familiar. I don’t know how or why but like slowly things have been starting to ... like I saw Mama. She was, uh ... she wasn’t alive anymore. And I ... I mean I’m shaken up and I’m still shaken up writing this but something is familiar and it scares me. She was ... I don’t wanna even think about it, but she looked bad okay? She looked like she got hurt real bad and I never felt so upset in my life. And it’s been getting worse as I go along and I—why am I even going on about this to you? I shouldn’t even be thinking about this, if I keep going then I’m going to ... I’m gonna...

You’d probably be pitying me right now, if you could Phillis. I think you’re a nice person so yeah you probably would. I don’t even know what to make sense of anymore but I can’t keep hiding this from you but the only person I’d even feel fine being comfortable telling this to without flipping out is Ery but he’s not here anymore.

I killed him.

Didn’t I?

...I’ve killed a lot of people Phillis. So, so many people — it’s all a blur from now, but I have. I killed Ery at one point during the Plague, and I let the plague ravage the whole world because I was so selfish. I just didn’t want to die and I wanted delights and... big things that weren’t that big in the end. So maybe while I don’t think I’m the Lucio these people are looking for, but maybe I am? You know, something messed up and deep like that.

Fuck ... the itching’s becoming unbearable. It’s pretty much all over my body and it’s been making it hard to think like ... how I usually think. I don’t really dwell on stuff like this too much and I just kinda ignore it if I can and focus on the better things until things blow over but I’m struggling. I told you that I couldn’t talk about Ery because it makes everything worse. It makes the loneliness feel worse, it makes the itchiness and eating-ness worse, and it makes me think about everything worse.

I’m at a camp nearby one of the old tribes, the smell should be making me uncomfortable but I think either I’ve gotten used to it or ... or it’s like that small sense in me is saying I recognize it so it’s not that bad anymore. And I ... I feel gross, really gross and sticky. I tried to touch where it itches the most, my neck, and ... something fell and I’m leaving it at that. It’s also the actual reason I’ve been feeling cold.

Things have been falling off me Phillis and it’s ... it’s scary. I don’t even want to write because it just makes me scared and then what if something else falls off me while “talking” to you? I keep saying, “Do what Ery would do. Be cool and calm like Ery is even though you’re afraid — just focus on getting out of here.”

But I can’t, and I can’t keep ignoring things because something won’t let me. I just ... I want Ery here, I don’t want to face this all by myself and I don’t know what’s happened to him. I don’t know what that thing wants with me and if it is ... if it is Ery just a third of him then I don’t... I don’t...

Should I let him kill me, Phillis?

...I mean it’s not my Ery, but if it is an Ery then maybe I should make him happy? Make up for something I did even if i didn’t do it?

No I did do it, I’m just lying to myself.

...Ignore that Phillis it was just that weird voice kicking in, but even though it’s a mean thought, I have thought about it. I mean, fake Jules and Portie said that I’m not the right one but that Ery—I mean, fake Ery— is still after me because he’s desperate to get revenge or something. Maybe if they’re around again I’ll ask them more questions? Just so I can ... understand better. Maybe I’m just gonna have to face things and not run away or panic and then bury them because it’s clear I ... can’t.

Phillis there’s so many dead bodies here, there’s really so many dead bodies here. And it’s not that I’m squeamish around them but it just ... something keeps telling me I did this. And I have before but it’s getting harder to remember this world isn’t my world and I’m just been trapped here. And then the things falling off me ... I want Ery. I just want Ery here with me so I have someone to keep me company in all of this. I know I only have you Phillis but things have been getting more dangerous — I was hunting and some beast nearly tore you to pieces but I protected you, just got a nasty gash on my arm.

But point is Phillis I ... could have lost you. And if I lose you Phillis then I’m ... I’m screwed. I won’t have anything to write into and then I can’t talk to you anymore. Sure I could write on surfaces but it’s not the same. And then I’ll have to leave anyways, meaning I leave you behind as I just try to get out of here and come back home.

Should I just write about home? Get one last try to just think about anything else besides the dead bodies that I feel is all of my fault and that I caused whatever is going on in this place even though it’s not true? I wouldn’t mind thinking about home ... I was just thinking about living in together with Ery a couple weeks ago. So that way he’ll have a proper place to live in besides that tiny room upstairs in his and Az’s flammable magic shop. We’d have a little fence be away from everything ... and just spend our days together doing whatever. He really is the kind of person where I could do anything and the day feels complete.

...Someone’s coming, Phillis. I’ll talk to you later but don’t worry; I’ll protect you too just like I do with Ery.