Bored Psychic Seeking First-Time Fortune Seekers
“Please, choose a card.”
“Any card?”
“Let your hand be drawn to the card of your destiny.”
“Ohhh...kay. Well, here goes.”
...
“Please, relax, miss.”
“It’s just...this is a big decision, right? I mean, won’t the card I choose decide my fate?”
“The cards merely point out possibilities. Only you decide your fate, dear. Nevertheless, it is wise to pay respect to how fate is leading and the hints she so generously bestows so you may be prepared for the unexpected.”
“Okay. Got it. I can do this.”
...
“Don’t overthink it. Just let your hand follow where it is pulled.”
“Yeah, okay. Umm...how do I know where my hand’s being pulled?”
“It is not a matter of knowing. It is a matter of doing, without prior analysis. Let instinct be your guide.”
“Right. Instinct. Here I go. Hmm...”
“Would you like me to draw for you?”
“Wait, can you do that?”
“Yes. I am able to act as a proxy and draw for you, since this reading is ultimately meant for you.”
“It won’t change the outcome?”
“My dear, Lady Fortune needs no assistance. She knows her children and their futures are secure in her hands.”
“If the future is secure, then why even take the time to predict my fortune?”
“I did not say your future is set in stone, child. I said that it is secure, whatever it may be. The cards help guide you in the right direction and advise you where needed.”
“All right. Go ahead and pick a card for me, then.”
“Are you certain?”
“Uh, yes...?”
“Very well, then. I shall choose. Hmm...mmm...humbrumblerum...”
“Wait!”
“What is the matter?”
“I think--ahem...whew. I think I can draw the card.”
“Is that your wish?”
“Yeesss...?”
“Well, make up your mind, child. I do not like to rush destiny, but I trust you did see the growing line of hopeful patrons outside my booth. I have many precious souls to guide into the path of destiny ’ere this day is done.”
“Oh, yes, I’m so sorry. I don’t mean to be a nuisance, I just--I feel like I need to take this slowly and carefully. It’s just such a huge deal. I’ve never done anything like this before.”
“Indeed? I couldn’t tell.”
“Huh?”
“Ah, nothing, dear, nothing. Do take your time. Just...not too much time. You do not wish to keep your friends waiting, hmm?”
“Wait, how did you know I came here with my friends? Oh, right...you’re psychic. Forgot about that part.”
“The card, dear.”
“Oh, yeah. All right, here goes. Please let it be a good card!”
...
“WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?! Is it a bad card? Oh shoot, it looks really bad. What are those people falling out of the windows? And the fire and stormy clouds... Am I gonna die??? Crap, why did I let them talk me into this--?”
“Calm down, child. No need to panic. This card is called The Tower. Rarely chosen. A very portentious card, indeed. Tsk, tsk, tsk.”
“Por--what? What do you mean? Am I going to die?”
“The one who draws this card must be prepared for great change or upheaval in his or her life. This change is not necessarily of a moribund nature; however, it will likely involve a form of chaos and destruction--”
“What the--chaos and destruction?! Are you freaking kidding me? Am I gonna die?? I’m gonna die, aren’t I?”
“This chaos and destruction is not always of the physical kind. It usually means the figurative destruction of a way of life and being thrust into a new, albeit turbulent, paradigm. Therefore, it is important that you accept this change with open arms and do not cling to the past. Otherwise this transition will be made much more difficult for you.”
“Hey, all I care about is if I’m going to die or not! Am I going to be murdered in my sleep or something?!”
“Oh, pish-posh, child. These cards should only rarely be taken literally. Despite the rather...gruesome depiction on the card, the chances of your future ending in a horrific death are quite slim. Besides, it’s more probable that you’ll be hit by a car while jaywalking with earbuds in your ears than being murdered in your sleep.”
“What was that?”
“Ahem. As I said, by all accounts, you have a long and happy life ahead of you. This fortune is rather pointing to a drastic change in your near future. You will be starting a new life at a new college in a matter of days--more than likely this change will be somehow intwined in that new life. You must be ready to leave your old life behind and step grandly and confidently into this new season. Consider this a lucky draw!”
“Wait, how did you--never mind. Psychic.”
“Hah. That, and it helps when the customer is an open-book sucker like you.”
“Um, everything okay? You keep muttering to yourself.”
“Oh, yes, dear, quite!”
“So, is that it? Should I draw another card?”
“It all depends on how much you desire to look into your fortune. As it turns out, I am offering a special discount on the one-card reading today. However, I do have three- and five-card readings available. They are quite...pricey. Heaven forbid she stays another minute. I’ll miss the next rerun of Desperate Housewives at this rate.”
“Oh, well, um, I’d better stop here, then. Broke college student, ya know.”
“I do know...unfortunately. Curse you and your constant mooching, Carlos, you good-for-nothing, rat-faced--”
“Uh...so how much do I owe you?”
“You will find the prices listed on this sheet here.”
“What? You seriously call that a ‘discount’? Pfft.”
“This is not an easy business, child.”
“Oh, really? Bet anyone could flip around a deck of freaky cards and tell fortunes. Bet I could do it. Tsh.”
“I thank you for your generous patronage. You’ll find the exit through the curtain on your right. Oh, a quick word of advice: be careful crossing the street. And you probably should not listen to music while walking either. Goodbye!”
“What?! Wait, tell me what that means! And stop pushing me! Let...me...go! I’m serious. My friend’s dad is an attorney.”
“How nice for him.”
“Yeah, so you’d better watch it. Crazy old lady...why did I ever spend my money on your fake fortune-telling scam anyway? I knew this looked shady! I told them. Hmph. Dingy, motheaten, old tent...”
“I take offense at that. And you should be pleased--I threw in that last tidbit free of charge.”
“...And that was all I had left in my wallet. Forget about a nice dinner on the pier. Dammit, I’m so stupid...”
“I will not argue with that.”
“Hey--!”
“Here’s the door. And may fortune smile upon you. Toodles!”