my boyfriend thinks i’m gay

cigarettes become the only taste of his lips; & the one day he leaned in,

the smoke was whispering through my eyes and i couldn't tell if that's

why i cried or the words they brought to me: how can i love you

when you love a girl? i can't even fight for you when we're on different sides. 

and when someone you love's breaking because of you, it starts the breaking

inside of you too.

but, all i can manage to do is wipe the mascara from my face and sniffle

my nose while mumbling, it'll be okay. but it's an open-faced lie with

it's mouth in the shape of an O, so we both shove it from the room and

keep looking at everything except each other's faces. and now,

most of our nights end with him standing up and flicking the bits of ash

from his skin, while uttering his new definition of goodbye: i can't control this,

like how i can't control my feelings for you. and i know between each of those

pauses is slips out the question that my heart can't answer correctly: did you ever,

really, truly, love me?

and i don't text; he doesn't text; it's not okay; we're not okay. so i spend

midnights writing sapphic poetry, while he's playing video games.

and we're trying not to think of each other but it doesn't work 'cause

by the second hour we're confessing our sins to a God we don't believe in.

my heart knows it loves him but blurry tears convince me i'm seeing

the girl i use to love, who broke my heart in a way no man ever has;

not even this one.

but we refuse to break up; he's my safety net, the dream i need to believe in

& i'm his soulmate that promised to never leave him; because both of our

loves are there but their bloody and bruised and we can't understand them

anymore. they're broken shards of a mirror we can't piece back together; and

if we did, we'd be too scared to see our reflection together in it.