Lust vs. Jealousy
Welcome to Purgatory, I’m Lust or at least I think I am Lust. It’s funny actually. Blonde hair, big blue eyes, and alabaster skin of mine make me look like the uke in a yaoi or the protagonist in a Magical Girl Anime, the one that’s all light and cute not the western knockoff. We don’t speak of the trashy knock off. That’s saying something from the Avatar of Lust. The Avatar of Pride is a bigger objectifier than me and that’s really saying something. Jealousy loves to complain and filet herself. Gluttony is surprisingly skinny. I think all the food goes to her boobs. Greed is a mooch and never good with money. Wrath is a set of twins you don’t want to get in the middle of when they get into a fight. Sloth couldn’t wake up if you let her. I just get bounced around between all of them.
“Man prom episodes in today’s cartoons are boring.” I said to no one in particular.
I’m an Avatar of Lust. I like my waifus or husbandos to be of legal consent. Watching two googly eyed teens repeat the plot of Footloose for the uneducated masses is like going to college and coming out with an Idiot Degree. Jealousy’s eyes widened. Her half shaved head turned my way. She yanked me off the couch by the toga. Mounds of fat glared in my face. Oh yeah, that was her face.
“Do you have a problem with any romantic leanings? Well do you, punk?” she threatened out of nowhere.
I held my hands up in surrender. Jealousy used to be a babe before she let the jealousy of social media get to her. Too many classes on Critical Bias Theory and a couple hater theory tumblers later she shaved half her head. She left hair in places that should REALLY get shaved. Then poured her squishy body into clothes that make her look like an ice cream cone in traction. She was a little old for pigtails but the hairy side of her head had two plushy pigtails. One in front and one in back.
“Dude, what are you talking about?” I asked.
“If you hate proms then you’re a hypocrit.” she growled out.
I don’t speak whatever language comes with angry woman sometimes. Oftentimes Jealousy did things that baffled me. She dyed her hair a cocktail of neon colors. She always put her nose in the air. She could’ve looked cute if she took care of herself but those beady black eyes were in a permanent squint beneath giant eyebrows.
“Well you’re right, my boyfriend dumped me at my prom when he became prom king then I got to have sexy fun times with his prom date.” I confessed nonchalantly. I rubbed my fingernails on my toga. One arm behind my head to pillow it. The other I studied my nails like it was no big deal. “Oh sure my now EX-boyfriend will never look at his stickshift ever again but I hope he thinks of me whenever he switches into gear.”
“GASP!” Jealousy cried out.
Jealousy dot e-x-e went blue screen. Lust and Jealousy do not get along when one side has to call the other ugly in order to make themselves feel good. It’s like calling one body type just right enough to be modestly ugly and the other side too pretty to be acceptably sociable. Yet the same can also be true about bad attitudes.
“Don’t worry, I’m sure your prom cartoons aren’t just a hate watch because you didn’t get what you wanted at your prom,” I fake-soothed, “At least your prom wasn’t the opening introduction to Chaly McClain’s song “Whose Cheating Who”. You know the chorus is great, works for all kinds of romantic leanings if your relationships go wrong enough.”
“Oh my gosh, you’re depressing,” Jealousy seethed, “I’m going to watch paint dry.”
Jealousy stormed out at a super-speed waddle. I stretched out on the rest of the couch.
“You know reading a book is better,” I announced, “OW!”
The book Jealousy threw at me konked my nose. I opened it up. It was Twilight. Well I guess everyone has their guilty pleasures. Once she was gone, I dove under the couch to pull out the perfect movie.
“Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion! Sweet!” I cheered, only to see the other movie, “Aw man!”
. . . I forgot I had Helpful Hearts Waifu-chan hidden from everyone else to enjoy by myself.