Wish Fulfillment: Chapter One

“I’m an aspiring billionaire.” What the fuck is that. I couldn’t be happier that I grew up with a set of conniving motherfuckers just so I could keep a straight face while this dude pulled whatever he could out of his ass. I’m an aspiring billionaire, our waiter is an aspiring billionaire, my dog is an aspiring billionaire.

“Hmm, really.” I swirled my spoon in my soup and let my mind be filled with the sound of soft music from the back of the restaurant. Why did I say yes to this date? I knew...ooh I knew this wasn’t going to turn out with being utterly fascinated in a guy who’s main hobby was “Protecting his vibes”. I guess it shows how desperate things can get when you can’t find anyone in your life with time for you.

“My friend Jack and I are going to up this tech company in San Francisco or Seattle depending on which one of us is going to invest the majority of the upstart cost.” He ran his hand through his rust curls and leaned forward on his arm giving me a very flirty look but considering I wasn’t really attracted to him it was just kinda funny.

I can’t wait to go home.

*******

The cold air coiled around my feet as I fumbled with the keys to my apartment. I shouldn’t have worn heels but you always taught me to always leave the house dressed to impress. I haven’t always done it but...since you’re not here, maybe I should listen to you more.

Whiskey nudged my hand with her nose and jumped up to lick me the face.

“Hi, pretty girl. Did you miss me?” I dropped my bag and squeezed her face, giving her a kiss on the nose before motioning for her to let go. “You hungry? I’m not but I’m still going to have a bowl of ice cream as my consolation prize for even going on that stupid date.” She looked up at me with what I would like to call her ‘be honest, you just like ice cream’ face.

Whiskey had a white stripe down her nose and back the continued all the way down to the tip of her tail. She was stocky like most Pitbulls but I always thought she had this elegance about her when she ran...not so much when I found her headfirst in the garbage can but still a very elegant dog.

After we both ate I took her out for a walk hoping to run into my friend April who sometimes left the house at this hour to take her daughter, Jasmine, out for a walk in her stroller. We both preferred the smell and feel of night air coursing through our lungs after a long day but since Jasmine was born she has been spending more and more time indoors, understandably.

I wasn’t grumpy about it or anything it’s just...I missed my friend. I missed having someone to vent and talk with. She always had good stories and she always knew what I was trying to say even if I didn’t. I wasn’t good at making friends. I had a tendency to be overly irritated with small things and overly willing to put up with crap at the same time.

So, I guess more accurately, I’m not good at make good friends which put me in the position of usually have a circle of crappy people in my life and before I met April I’m pretty sure I didn’t even know what an actual reciprocal friendship was supposed to be.

And now, we barely spoke, it felt like life was just pulling us in different directions. She went to baby group meetings, brunches with her husband, and hip-hop yoga classes. I went out to the dog park while enjoying a bagel and some water, went to work, and then got home in time to continue binge-watching whatever CW or Netflix show has currently stolen my attention.

The less and less we talked the more and more it felt like it was hard to believe we had even been friends in the first place, as dramatic as that sounds.

The more and more I thought it through the more and more lonely I felt. Even if the people around me hadn’t good I was never alone. I always had someone I could go see or invite over. I always knew that even if I didn’t want to hang out with anyone, I could if I wanted to.

I made an extra loop around the block closest to my house hoping to maybe see April going to the park or something but no luck so we went back home just as lonely as we had been when we left.

I looked down out my baby girl with a smile, “At least we have each other.”

****

The city is never quiet no matter how early or late it is, it doesn’t remind me of home and sometimes it doesn’t even feel like it’s my home. I lean my head against the window, watching the cars zoom past the cab. I wanted my mind to just quiet out for a few moments but even when I wasn’t working on something my brain never seemed to be able to just accept quietness.

It was so different from how I behaved just a few years ago. I was so anxious all the damn time that the only way I had been able to quell those feelings was by just not thinking. By shutting off the parts of me that tried to live in the moment. I put a wall between me and the present because the only thing that didn’t overwhelm me and strangle me was silence. It was in those moments by myself that a quiet terror curled up in the back of my mind waiting for it’s time to wrap around my throat when I needed to speak up the most.

The rain trailing down the windows reminds me of the pictures of Tracee’s honeymoon in Scotland. I had been less than thrilled to be pounced on when she got back to work from her honeymoon eager to show everyone those pictures but I had to admit that all of those stretching lengths of green, quaint towns, beautiful cities, and mist-covered lakes had captured my mind for the past few weeks.

It was one of those things I fantasized about for weeks, planned out how I might do it, and talked about endlessly to the few people I was able to meet within passing as I tried to figure out my pace in the city. I was taught that you could make your life what you wanted. That you shouldn’t care about what other people thought about you however none of that stopped me from a yearning to just fit in with what I had assumed was the normal standard when in reality most people within the normal want to be outside of that standard as much as I wanted to be in it.

The taxi swung into park in front of the seemingly endlessly tall grey box I worked in and I almost wanted to ask him to drive me back to my apartment but I didn’t. I got out, paid him, and walked into work with a reluctant and tired smile on my face.

I ended up sitting at my desk with nothing to do by 12pm rolled around so I scrolled through Expedia looking at flights to Europe. God, no that’s expensive..wait if I took this flight I could shave off 100 bucks which would let me take two bags with me instead of one. Why would I need two bags, I’m not moving to Scotland. Why am I even thinking about this I’m not even going to Scotland.

Irritation seeped out of me in the form of a groan as I tilted my head back and closed out of Expedia. Life is so boring. Turning my head to the side I saw my boss chatting to Frank and Eliza about this week’s meetings with our future clients and how we can best appeal to them. Future clients, not representatives from a brand because saying Future Clients is supposed to fill you with a sense of success and a want to achieve what you have stated as the goal. It’s supposed to leave no room for failure.

I want a future life that amounts to more than Monday meetings with guy who still picks his nose. That’s what would make me happy.