Transcription of an episode of Turn Up The Heat with G Garvin featuring post-apocalyptic ingredients

“Welcome to Make Use of the Ambient Temperature. I’m ya host G Garvin. Ya man G Garvin in the building. Today we’re gonna feature locally sourced ingredients that you can find at any remnants of a home. These meals all feature things you can likely find rummaging through what used to be somebody’s home. Keep ya money in ya pocket.

“First we gonna deal with the star of our meal - the mushroom growing out of what once was a human face - that’s right, face-mushrooms. We all know face-shroom got that real earthiness, that muddy funkiness, like death itself, ya know. So we wanna cut a bit of that death-flavor with some aromatics. Let’s make a rub. A few shallots, like that right there, a little garlic, make sure everythings got its flavor. We chop them up real nice and then spread that mixture all over our mushrooms. Get it everywhere - be sure and flip that baby over, get it in the fins and everything. Some of the strongest funk comes outta those fins. So make sure you be nice and thorough.

“All right, we gonna let those marinade and start with the side dish. So now corn is nice, but since we ain't seen any corn since the event we gonna use pine cone nibs. So just take your pine corn and bone saw and just hack those nibs right off. Just like that. And get the end ones too. Right. Now. Take your nibs and we need to soften them up, so put them in a boiling pothole water bath and loosen up them fibers.

“Now why that’s going down we need to start the vegetable, a septic tank pepper puree. First we take our pepper and you wanna cut off the stem end and get those seeds out. Lemme show you, you just cut off the end right here. Then flip that pepper and grab the back of the stem and the ribs and seeds and just pull all that garbage out. Yeah. You don’t wanna eat that stuff. Little trick of the trade for you. That was a free one.

“Once you got that just put the pepper in an outboard motor blade, or an old sink disposal, whatever you’ve got handy. I’m gonna use my cordless power drill with a steel wool bit and just mash that pepper up. Get it good and pureed. And then just scrape that into a bowl and we don’t need it till plating.

“Let’s go ahead and grab those pine cone nibs out the boiling pothole bath. They should be nice and soft now. Go ahead give one a little taste. Mmm. Perfect. Okay so we wanna put a little more flavor into these so go ahead and put them in this pan we’ve been heating some oil up in. You might have some canola oil, you might have some old motor oil. What ever you wanna do, you gonna do it. Throw those nibs right into the oil here. Now… Just a touch, radiated chicken stock, create that steam, make them nibs a little softer. We good to go.

“Last, we grab our face-mushrooms that been marinating. Shake off that extra marinade. And then throw them on any metal surface to give them a quick sear. I got my window grate here, myself. And just put them on, like that. And we wanna do two minutes a side.

“While that gets hot we’re gonna plate our pepper puree. You don’t want to go and mess up your presentation at the end of the day, so get those good hubcaps out and let’s start by making a smear of the puree right across the center of the hubcap. Now grab your pine cone nibs and make a nice little pile at the tail end of our smear. Just about that much. Okay. Finally, let’s take our shrooms right off the grate here and put them real nice aslant on the pile of nibs and into the puree. There we go. It’s looking nice. Last sprinkle with a little salt and some fresh chopped sidewalk dandelion. Bam. We ready to eat.

“There you have it, folks. Diamonds outta dollars. No dollars prolly. Keep ya dollars in ya house. This ya man, G Garvin. Remember, we all gonna go, don’t go hungry. Until the next time, keep it smooth.”