As we approach St. Patrick's day, the diminutive demons that are so ubiquitous around that time of year start to come out from their lairs and make themselves known in the land of humans.

Friends, just this morning I found myself face to waist with a goddamn fiendish leprechaun!

My morning started just like any other.

I climbed out of my bed of garlic and quickly closed the lid before the monster loving proprietors of the Italian restaurant gave me trouble.

I made it another night with my blood inside me. Where it belongs.

I wasn't hungry, thanks to the wasteful patrons of the restaurant, but I thought I would go to the grocery store to check on the monster peril and also use their bathroom.

I decided to take a lap around the store before doing my business in the bathroom. Make sure there were no unearthly beings hiding in plain sight.

As I turned onto my favorite aisle to look at the pictures of pregnant women on the boxes of baby formula, I saw him.

His stubby fingers straining for a box of cereal that might as well have been a million miles away.

I silently moved directly to his 6 and watched.

His Lord Satan had blessed him with many things.

Sharp teeth for tearing human flesh, beady eyes for spotting prey at night, a gigantic member to tempt human women, and a cunning mind.

The Lord Satan giveth and the Lord Satan taketh away.

He had not been blessed with height.

As I watched him struggle to reach the box of Kix, I let out an almost inaudible chuckle.

He spun around in a flash.

"What's your fucking problem buddy? You think this is funny?"

"I do. I think you should have spent a little of that gold from your pot to buy some stilts"

"Oh we got a comedian. Fuck you buddy. I don't need this shit today."

He didn't know it, but I had exactly what he needed. What the world needed.

I felt inside my jacket for my special monster dispatching claw hammer.

Yes sir. Now THIS was "kid tested and mother approved".

Maybe not mother approved, but definitely kid tested.

I'd wait for him to shit out some of the baby meat he almost certainly had in his belly.

I went to the bathroom and waited. Might as well wipe myself down with wet paper towels while I was there, as is my usual routine.

After I finished my normal routine and wet paper towels covered the floor, I heard it.

The unmistakable pitter patter of little feet.

The stall door next to mine opened and closed. He dropped his pants (though I would consider anything he owns "shorts") and from under the partition, I saw his tiny feet dangling from toilet.

Now was my time.

I peered over the stall divider and watched as he strained to pass the toddler meat he had gorged on recently.

It infuriated me. This monster was eating toddlers and then shopping amongst us.

Shoulda shopped for a helmet.

I left my stall and KICKED his door!

[BAM!]

"Jesus Christ! Someone's in here!"

[BAM!]

"Hey! Someone's in here!"

[BAM!]

"What's wrong with you? Use another stall!"

[BAM!]

The door flew open.

"You? Listen buddy I don't want any..."

"Save it for Darby O'Gill"

"What? Who's..."

And with that I brought my enchanted hammer down on his helmetless skull. Again and again until the leprechaun was just a pile of digested toddler meat and splinters of bone.

I picked up some of the wet paper towels and wiped myself down before walking back into the grocery store.

I glanced at the enticing bottles of formula out of the corner of my eye, but I would have to stare at them for 6 hours straight another time.

Now I needed to return to the safety of my garlic infused home before the corrupt police would question me about offing one of their benefactors.

When I got home, I saw one of the minions of Zito's Authentic Ristorante putting a lock on my home.

"Hey man, I'm sorry but you can't sleep in the dumpster. It's dangerous."

"What's that accent? Do I detect a hint of Transylvania?"

I felt for my hammer.