The hardest parts of my life

stem from the emotional and physical abuse

I subject myself to.

red streaks across my shoulders, thighs, and wrists,

dripping down, slowly trickling it runs is a small stream.

stinging, burning, itching, yearning,

i want it more and more every time.

succumbing to my urges, giving in to their call,

scars line my body in rows, crosses, lines.

everytime i feel the sting of the blade,

hurtful words echo throughout my head.

ungrateful, worthless, selfish, you deserve every bit of this,

i can’t silence the thoughts.

my body shakes, my heart races, I can’t hear myself think

over the awful thoughts in my head.

i overthink situations before they happen,

each time ends with me in tears, having said what I don’t mean.

the downhill struggle of dealing with constant anxiety

takea a much greater toll on my body, on my mind, on my heart,

than i should have to bear.

my hair is thinning, falling out,

my skin is paler every day,

my ribs are showing, my hips are bony,

i’m too stressed to be able to eat,

my body slowly wasting away.

but it gets better,

whenever i put a pen to paper.

expressing myself in words.

i’ve never been good with words

until I started writing, when they start to flow naturally.

i shed my tears, I start anew, every day is a new chance,

a chance to improve.

talking with someone I care for deeply

has helped me survive this dizzying ride.

he has helped me in more ways

than I can simply describe.

he has been my rock, my anchor, my guiding light,

encouraging me to stay clean, to eat, to give myself the love I so desperately need.

he has given me the motivation to get my broken life in order,

he has shown me what love is like.

its an intoxicating feeling,

always leaving me wanting more.

like a drug coursing through my veins,

i can feel my world start to fade.

,no, it doesn’t fade, it’s still there, I’m still here.

it enhances, in a way, my perception of reality.

my heart begins to quicken,

colors seem so vibrant, I can hear everything, and yet, nothing at all,

everything is so calm, I can hear my thoughts once again.

everything feels so lucid, like a dream, but I’m guiding the reigns,

its a wonderful feeling, being in control.

Talking with him makes me happier than anything else.

he makes me laugh, he makes me cry, he makes me sad to say goodbye.

he gives me a reason to fight to stay,

he always encourages me to come out

whenever im locked away, trapped within my own mind.

he talks me through the bitter thoughts in my head,

he keeps me from relapsing, a deed not easily done,

especially when I remind him of a friend he once knew,

dealing with the pain I know so well,

a friend he once knew,

who is no longer with us today.

that part hit home, digging deep in my heart,

hearing how emotional his voice gets

when remembering that of which he has lost,

where they would be today.

talking with my boo

is an emotional rollercoaster.

i grip the handle bars so tightly my knuckles are turning white,

my jaw clenches and I know I’m along for the ride.

we have our ups and downs,

but we always reconcile

whenever we argue, whenever we have a much needed conversation.

floating uphill, I feel lighter than air,

anticipating the free-fall i’ll feel

when i reach the peak,

we flirt like young lovers

who are madly in love.

I’m at the top, but it’s a rollercoaster, so of course I know what comes next.

A downhill free fall,

he tells me he isn’t looking for that kind of relationship,

but he continues to lead me on.

i brought this up with him, asking him how he feels about us,

and he says to give it time, he’s not ready now, for what I’m looking for.

its been days since this conversation, when he said he’s feeling bad,

like he’s leading me on, how guilty that makes him feel.

i reassure him that I understand what he’s feeling,

and I know what i’m doing when I flirt with him, despite his stance on us.

lately, he’s been acting different, he seems to be happier.

his flirting seems much different, much more real.

we talk about meeting up, in a dusty motel, in a beautiful hotel.

its hard because I want him, but he’s several states away.

my heart skipped a beat when he said he wanted to snuggle into bed with me.

i told him my bed was big enough for two.

we talked until the wee hours of the morning, 3:30am for him, 1:30am for me.

i encouraged him to try to sleep, but all he said was I want you.

i don’t know if he’s playing for keeps,

or if he’s playing at all,

and i’ll admit, the thought of long distance makes me nervous,

but excited as well.

i feel lighter than air right now,

although i’m apprehensive,

i don’t want to be hurt

if I find out he’s just playing to play.

who knows, maybe he isn’t, but either way, it makes life so much better.